First of all, I am sorry. I am sorry that I've been away so long. I am also sorry, to myself mostly, that I have allowed the weight to come back on. Not all of it. I don't know actually how much I've actually gained back. I refuse to get on a scale for fear of falling into a great big depression. I have been struggling with what to do to regain control.
Let's fall backwards to November, 2010..when I stopped blogging. I started going through a divorce. The divorce was final in March of 2011. Life was in full color again. I was beautiful again. People noticed me again. My husband failed to notice me...and well, someone else did. That is the shitty truth. I am not proud of that. I do feel that his lack of attention and everything else for that matter was a slow painful death in the end. My weight loss just put the whole process on high speed. To this day we remain friends and business partners. It wasn't messy at all. The guilt that remains is the hardship on my children. They are with me one week and with him the next. They are exceptional little troopers and put their bravest faces on and their best feet forward. I love my little people who I couldn't image taking it better than they have.
My life has come full circle. My ex-husband and I had bought a home together in the vey beginning that we had envisioned being an investment property that we would hand down to one of our children. We had lived in it when we had our first child and were in the beginning stages of marriage. As we moved on in life we rented it out. I was awarded this gigantic eye sore in the divorce. I ignored it since the minute it became all mine. I didn't want to deal with it. I have had an about face and have come back to live in it, fix it up and flip it. Sadly, I look in the old mirrors that I used to look into and see a woman that looks pretty much the same as I did when I left. The struggle and the weight gain that I had achieved somehow missing in between years. It is heart-breaking to me.
I need to hit the restart button. Again. I am frustrated, struggling, angry with myself. I have started the shake diet only to fail within a couple of days. How in the hell did I do this last time? Where did I find the motivation? Where did I find the mental strength to get through this? Where have I gone? What did I do? Arrrgggghhhhhhh!!! DAMMIT!!
Then, I found my old blog. This blog. I had seriously forgotten about it. I read through it, cried..a lot. Read your comments and cursed myself for leaving you all. Cursed myself for allowing my hard work to just go to hell. Then I found it. I found the motivation in a comment that one of you left for me. "It is yours to have." One of you responded to a blog entry and you quoted me. I had said something worth while...something that had made the slightest difference in your struggle, your fight to drop the weight. This is mine to have. Again. If I want it bad enough, and I do.
So today, I hit the slopes of one of my favorite mountains. Gunstock Mountain Ski Resort. I am going to do a little bit of inner soul-searching. Find the inner demon that has come back to haunt me and leave it somewhere out there on the trail. I'm going to start again tomorrow. How many of you are with me? Will you go on this journey with me again? Tomorrow morning I will step on the scale for the first time in a year and face reality. I will drive to Concord tomorrow and buy shakes and start again.
I know what some of my obstacles are. However, many of them are unknown. I have more going for me this time, I think. I have been running. I can run a 5k without stopping. One of the obstacles is that I am in a new relationship and we enjoy eating & drinking together. He has been a great big sabatoger for me. Funny thing is, that when I met him he was motivation to get into the mountains again. He was motivation to eat healthy and to be healthy. It will be interesting to see what happens when I cut out the eating and drinking and take a hard close look at what remains. When you clean the system out so much of what you have been hiding or refusing to see comes to the surface...hence the divorce I went through last time.
So, tomorrow. Tomorrow it all begins again. I'm ready, but I will need you again. Weigh in tomorrow...oye. REALITY!
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