I've been on my own maintenance plan since my program ended 4 weeks ago. A new program starts up in Jan. I'm really needing something in between. Craving the weekly weigh in. The structure. I'm an odd duck aren't I? I haven't lost or gained anymore weight. I sailed through Thanksgiving. My grandmother actually burst into tears when she saw me. My Aunt tore my coat off as I was screaming, "Easy..its friggin' Banana!" I paid a small child for that coat. I know that I look different. I didn't realize how different. I've lost a total of 56 pounds. I have about 20 more to go.
I've delighted in my structure free environment for the past 4 weeks or so. I've emptied a bag of dark chocolate raisinets. I ate 4 little tiny whoopie pies that landed me in the bathroom for an evening. Remember back when I snuck carrots on my shake diet? Good grief. I'm a serious sinner now.
So, I've been reading about programs close to my home that I could attend. There is a hospital program...but I'm done with the heavy hitting. There is a gym and they have a "biggest losers club." I toyed with that one and the new weight watchers program. The thought of getting yelled at at 6am is not appealing to me yet. I've never been a fan of weight watchers. I kinda agree with the science behind the Atkins plan but lean towards the South Beach approach. Carbs matter. Sorry!! But they do. My body loves low carb. But I know that it is not the healthiest way to live. All things in moderation. Losing weight by eating a steak and lobster dipped in butter is just not ok. Yum. Yum. Yum! For real....YUM! I'm being a bit harsh and extreme on the Atkins crew. I've read the science and I get it. The problem with weight watchers has always been that they didn't account for carbs and protein! Now they do! The points are calculated (somehow) by fat/fiber/protein/carbs. No more calories! A bag of popcorn is no longer only 2 points. It is 4. Bannana's are 0 points! Most fruits and veggies are 0 points. Interesting eh? I thought so. So I totally bit. I signed up for the online weight watchers and started counting points yesterday. I didn't go full throttle and join a class. I'll see how the first week goes. Ease back into the group therapy.
Last night I had 5 points left so I ate 1/4 cup of dark chocolate raisinets. Man those are my achilles heal. I'm only going to do this until I lose the rest of the weight. I would really like to just bang out these last 20 lbs and drink shakes for 4 weeks. I cannot. I have to learn how to eat correctly and lose. Your not supposed to lose all the weight doing shakes. So...weight watchers it is.
By the way...I haven't started P90X yet. I'm a slacker. Next Monday for sure. :)
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
November 23 - Taste Bud Modification
The best thing I ever did for myself was go through a taste bud modification. Before the shake fast (HMR-800) I craved sweets, fatty foods and salty foods. After having nothing but shakes for 12 weeks it reset my taste buds. I literally went through a detox and my body hit the reset button.
I tried sushi for the first time last week and loved it. I now drink coffee black without all the crap in it. It just tastes better. I like dark chocolate. I prefer water over soda. The soda just tastes to0 sweet and salty. I prefer soda water with lemon when out. Its really amazing!!
One of the best justifications for choosing a shake fast is for the behavior modification. How can you have a "lifesytle" change without changing your demons? You cannot fight off salty foods and sugar forever without a full reset. Do it...RESET!
Fearing Thanksgiving? I'm not going to fear it at all. I'm going to embrace it. If I want it, I'm going to eat it. Stop the mental battle. Indulge...indulge slowly. ENJOY it...this indulgance comes once or twice a year. A little bit goes a LONG way. My nutritionist says it takes 20 minutes to feel full. If you stuff your face so quickly that the suction alone takes the food off the plate of the person sitting nearest you...slow down!! Take a bite, sip some water. Try to enjoy it and not just consume it. Have you ever spied on skinny person eating? Try it...they eat so slowly its painful to watch. You could run over take two bites off of their plate and they wouldn't notice. They don't guard their food like a wild animal. They take a bite, chit chat with friends, read a newspaper, get up and go and do something else. This week I'm going to try and eat my meal in 20 minutes.
Oh and I didn't start P90X yesterday. I got up late and the kids missed the damn bus. I'll try again next week. I will start!
I tried sushi for the first time last week and loved it. I now drink coffee black without all the crap in it. It just tastes better. I like dark chocolate. I prefer water over soda. The soda just tastes to0 sweet and salty. I prefer soda water with lemon when out. Its really amazing!!
One of the best justifications for choosing a shake fast is for the behavior modification. How can you have a "lifesytle" change without changing your demons? You cannot fight off salty foods and sugar forever without a full reset. Do it...RESET!
Fearing Thanksgiving? I'm not going to fear it at all. I'm going to embrace it. If I want it, I'm going to eat it. Stop the mental battle. Indulge...indulge slowly. ENJOY it...this indulgance comes once or twice a year. A little bit goes a LONG way. My nutritionist says it takes 20 minutes to feel full. If you stuff your face so quickly that the suction alone takes the food off the plate of the person sitting nearest you...slow down!! Take a bite, sip some water. Try to enjoy it and not just consume it. Have you ever spied on skinny person eating? Try it...they eat so slowly its painful to watch. You could run over take two bites off of their plate and they wouldn't notice. They don't guard their food like a wild animal. They take a bite, chit chat with friends, read a newspaper, get up and go and do something else. This week I'm going to try and eat my meal in 20 minutes.
Oh and I didn't start P90X yesterday. I got up late and the kids missed the damn bus. I'll try again next week. I will start!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
November 21 - Phase 3
I've kept it off for almost a month. I haven't gained a pound. I haven't lost either. I'm ready to head into Phase 3. I'm starting P90X tomorrow to try and tone up. I've got a flabby belly and flabby arms, and breasts that look like ski jumps. It is time to try to get things back in the same place they were awhile ago. I realize that they will most likely never be exactly the same..but I'm hoping a little muscle tone will help them to get up with me in the morning. We shall see. Anyone out there have p90x?? Wanna start with me tomorrow? Its going to kick our asses. But in 90 days we will look amazing!
I remember begging friends and family to do the shake fast with me. No one would do it. Uh-huh..now what are they saying? "I wanna do what you did. You look amazing, so quickly!"
My legs, however, are super toned and gorgeous! All this running has given me killer gams.
I'm eating little meals all day. I've found that mapping out my course for the entire day is essential so that hidden sneak food attacks do not sabotage me. I try to eat every 2 hours. The other day a friend of mine came in with 2 lbs of freshly made fudge. YIKES!!! Thankfully I wasn't ravenous as I'd been sticking to the plan and was able to take a little nibble and move on. Notice I didn't NOT have it. I ate it. I've stopped playing the "you can't have it" mind games. There is nothing that I won't eat..besides FAST FOOD. I'm just not that type of girl anymore. If you are a fast food eater....just sit outside of one of those places in your car for 15 minutes. Notice the clientele. YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. So stop pretending like you are. You know that there are just some things in your life that you will not do. Start saying that about fast food. You are not that kind of girl/boy. I will whip through and get a black coffee. Damn, they are $1 for any size!!! That is it though.
Here is a little sample of what I will eat during the day:
6am: Rise & Shine: Coffee-black
8am: 1 packet of instant oatmeal (High fiber w/brown sugar.)
10am: 2 Cups of Salad with a non-fat dressing
12pm: 1 can of progresso soup and a lean cuisine
2pm: Yogurt
4pm: 2 cups of popcorn with a sprinkle of my favorite butter flavoring.d
6pm: Meal w/family - Portioned out
7pmish: Skinny Cow desert or even weight watchers snack or sugar free jello with whip cream
I try to burn 2500 calories or more a week.
For those of you starting out exercising go and get one of those pedometers. Try to get in 10,000 steps a day. Keeping track of your steps is motivating. You will park further away at the grocery store or work just to get those extra steps in. Take the stairs...all such cliche things to say but they are true.
My daughter is begging me to get off the computer and pay attention to her...so I've got to go. Have a fabulous fresh start this week!! I love Mondays..even though Sunday is the first of the week...its just a great day to start something new.
Till next time!! :)
I remember begging friends and family to do the shake fast with me. No one would do it. Uh-huh..now what are they saying? "I wanna do what you did. You look amazing, so quickly!"
My legs, however, are super toned and gorgeous! All this running has given me killer gams.
I'm eating little meals all day. I've found that mapping out my course for the entire day is essential so that hidden sneak food attacks do not sabotage me. I try to eat every 2 hours. The other day a friend of mine came in with 2 lbs of freshly made fudge. YIKES!!! Thankfully I wasn't ravenous as I'd been sticking to the plan and was able to take a little nibble and move on. Notice I didn't NOT have it. I ate it. I've stopped playing the "you can't have it" mind games. There is nothing that I won't eat..besides FAST FOOD. I'm just not that type of girl anymore. If you are a fast food eater....just sit outside of one of those places in your car for 15 minutes. Notice the clientele. YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. So stop pretending like you are. You know that there are just some things in your life that you will not do. Start saying that about fast food. You are not that kind of girl/boy. I will whip through and get a black coffee. Damn, they are $1 for any size!!! That is it though.
Here is a little sample of what I will eat during the day:
6am: Rise & Shine: Coffee-black
8am: 1 packet of instant oatmeal (High fiber w/brown sugar.)
10am: 2 Cups of Salad with a non-fat dressing
12pm: 1 can of progresso soup and a lean cuisine
2pm: Yogurt
4pm: 2 cups of popcorn with a sprinkle of my favorite butter flavoring.d
6pm: Meal w/family - Portioned out
7pmish: Skinny Cow desert or even weight watchers snack or sugar free jello with whip cream
I try to burn 2500 calories or more a week.
For those of you starting out exercising go and get one of those pedometers. Try to get in 10,000 steps a day. Keeping track of your steps is motivating. You will park further away at the grocery store or work just to get those extra steps in. Take the stairs...all such cliche things to say but they are true.
My daughter is begging me to get off the computer and pay attention to her...so I've got to go. Have a fabulous fresh start this week!! I love Mondays..even though Sunday is the first of the week...its just a great day to start something new.
Till next time!! :)
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Transition - 3 important clues
I've been in transition for 4 weeks now. I'm doing really well. I've elected not to drop wait at this time and try to maintain my current weight which is 173. So I've lost a total of 55 pounds.
I have been able to maintain with ease.
Clue One: Exercise - I'm still running all the time. Exercise is really the key to success. You have got to find something that you love doing and do it...all the time. For those that hate exercise, I'm sincerely sorry. There is no magic bullet...and I sincerely HATE that friggin' saying. But it is true. If you like walking..walk, 1 hour a day. If you like climbing trees..climb trees! 1 HOUR a day. I take 2 days off from running. Dance, jump on a trampoline, jump rope, chase your kids, play frisbee, join a surfing club...do something. Be creative...get creative. I will tell you there is nothing better than putting on my clothes and feeling really good in them. Getting compliments. Turning heads. Nothing...not chocolate or wine makes you feel better. That is my new high. I feel healthy. My strong runners legs look killer in jeans.
Clue #2 - Let it Go - So..something I want to address for those of you out there doing the all day shake fast. Because I know you probably get an earfull of shit from those who are "concerned" about your method of weightloss. Rock it girls! I've done a million diets and this is the one that got me to where I needed to be and very quickly. I haven't gained a pound back. So for all of those out there that said, "When you start eating you are going to gain it back quickly." It is not true. I mean, if you go hog wild and starting couch surfing and eating bon-bons all the time you will gain it back. If you have been doing your exercise and building lean muscle and boosting your metabolism you are going to continue to burn like crazy. My body still burns. I've had icecream. Not the low-fat kind. I've eaten some of the kids candy. I choose not to make it a big deal. Before I would have told myself, "No!" Then I would begin the cat and mouse game. The candy would call my name again and again and again until I would finally give in. Then when I gave in I would feel like I failed. I'd eat the whole bag with the thought that I'd start again tomorrow. Never again! Never ever again. If I want to eat a butterfinger out of the trick or treat bag. I eat it. I eat it nice and slow and enjoy it and move on. I'm done playing that game with myself. Let it go!
Clue #3 - Eat, keep your metabolism on high! The most important clue that has worked for me is to eat. Eat at least every 3 hours. Your metabolism is like a fire. In order to keep it burning you've got to feed the fire. Eat within 1 hour of getting up. If your doing shakes drink them every 3 hours. Get all your shakes in. Getting your calories in is key to loosing weight. I can't stress that enough. If you try to eat less calories your body will stop burning. You do not want that to happen. You will lose that muscle that is so key to staying thin. Plus muscle looks a lot sexier than blubber when your fitting into those skinny jeans.
So those are the 3 big clues that I have learned in this big meltdown. I still want to drop an additional 13 pounds. But not right now. I'm enjoying this maintenance learning period. This is how I will live the rest of my life. Not on a perpetual diet. But being the happiest I've been in many many years. You can have this too. It is not as hard as you think. It is yours to have. Believe me..I'm not some sort of extra ordinary after-school special. You can do it. I'm here to help you if you need it!
I have been able to maintain with ease.
Clue One: Exercise - I'm still running all the time. Exercise is really the key to success. You have got to find something that you love doing and do it...all the time. For those that hate exercise, I'm sincerely sorry. There is no magic bullet...and I sincerely HATE that friggin' saying. But it is true. If you like walking..walk, 1 hour a day. If you like climbing trees..climb trees! 1 HOUR a day. I take 2 days off from running. Dance, jump on a trampoline, jump rope, chase your kids, play frisbee, join a surfing club...do something. Be creative...get creative. I will tell you there is nothing better than putting on my clothes and feeling really good in them. Getting compliments. Turning heads. Nothing...not chocolate or wine makes you feel better. That is my new high. I feel healthy. My strong runners legs look killer in jeans.
Clue #2 - Let it Go - So..something I want to address for those of you out there doing the all day shake fast. Because I know you probably get an earfull of shit from those who are "concerned" about your method of weightloss. Rock it girls! I've done a million diets and this is the one that got me to where I needed to be and very quickly. I haven't gained a pound back. So for all of those out there that said, "When you start eating you are going to gain it back quickly." It is not true. I mean, if you go hog wild and starting couch surfing and eating bon-bons all the time you will gain it back. If you have been doing your exercise and building lean muscle and boosting your metabolism you are going to continue to burn like crazy. My body still burns. I've had icecream. Not the low-fat kind. I've eaten some of the kids candy. I choose not to make it a big deal. Before I would have told myself, "No!" Then I would begin the cat and mouse game. The candy would call my name again and again and again until I would finally give in. Then when I gave in I would feel like I failed. I'd eat the whole bag with the thought that I'd start again tomorrow. Never again! Never ever again. If I want to eat a butterfinger out of the trick or treat bag. I eat it. I eat it nice and slow and enjoy it and move on. I'm done playing that game with myself. Let it go!
Clue #3 - Eat, keep your metabolism on high! The most important clue that has worked for me is to eat. Eat at least every 3 hours. Your metabolism is like a fire. In order to keep it burning you've got to feed the fire. Eat within 1 hour of getting up. If your doing shakes drink them every 3 hours. Get all your shakes in. Getting your calories in is key to loosing weight. I can't stress that enough. If you try to eat less calories your body will stop burning. You do not want that to happen. You will lose that muscle that is so key to staying thin. Plus muscle looks a lot sexier than blubber when your fitting into those skinny jeans.
So those are the 3 big clues that I have learned in this big meltdown. I still want to drop an additional 13 pounds. But not right now. I'm enjoying this maintenance learning period. This is how I will live the rest of my life. Not on a perpetual diet. But being the happiest I've been in many many years. You can have this too. It is not as hard as you think. It is yours to have. Believe me..I'm not some sort of extra ordinary after-school special. You can do it. I'm here to help you if you need it!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Day ? - Still Here!
I've lost track.....
I've been in transition for over a week now. I haven't lost weight but I have maintained. I'm doing the shakes all day and eating a meal at night. I have been naughty at meal times. Which, is why I'm probably staying the same weight. I'm ok with that right now.
Ran 9 miles today! Felt like a million bucks.
How are you all doing out there? I could use some inspiration to get over the hump!!
I've been in transition for over a week now. I haven't lost weight but I have maintained. I'm doing the shakes all day and eating a meal at night. I have been naughty at meal times. Which, is why I'm probably staying the same weight. I'm ok with that right now.
Ran 9 miles today! Felt like a million bucks.
How are you all doing out there? I could use some inspiration to get over the hump!!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Day 77 - Ready to Transition
I'm so ready. Overly ready to transition. I want to eat eat eat food. I cheated and had some pickels. I haven't lost since last week. I have maintained. Which is good. I'm busted my ass in exercise to try and compensate for the eating fest I've been on. Ok..so I've eaten more than pickels. Tonight I had a salad and a bowl of shrimp wonton soup. A very small bit of calories...and I ate a few pieces of the meatballs I put into the spagetti dinner I made my family. I just want to be eating again.
I feel really strong in my body though. At yoga tonight I felt very strong. Yesterday I ran 6.5 miles and it was a hard run. I didn't feel achy or tired after. Maybe I'm finally coming into my exercise after 77 days of dieting?
So at this current place in time...I'm doing shakes all day except for my evening meal. I could live like this for awhile. I'm in a holding pattern with my weight as well. Not sure why...plateau perhaps. I mean, 600 calories during the day in shakes and then maybe 400 at night is still not alot. I should still be losing.
I'm in a good place mentally even though I've cheated. I thought the guilt would be a lot stronger, but its not. I believe I'm ready for the next stage of my transition. I need to learn how to eat food again and lose weight. I have 20+ to go. I've come a long way baby!! Starting at 228 pounds. Seems like forever ago. I'm not going back. I'm A FINE WINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel really strong in my body though. At yoga tonight I felt very strong. Yesterday I ran 6.5 miles and it was a hard run. I didn't feel achy or tired after. Maybe I'm finally coming into my exercise after 77 days of dieting?
So at this current place in time...I'm doing shakes all day except for my evening meal. I could live like this for awhile. I'm in a holding pattern with my weight as well. Not sure why...plateau perhaps. I mean, 600 calories during the day in shakes and then maybe 400 at night is still not alot. I should still be losing.
I'm in a good place mentally even though I've cheated. I thought the guilt would be a lot stronger, but its not. I believe I'm ready for the next stage of my transition. I need to learn how to eat food again and lose weight. I have 20+ to go. I've come a long way baby!! Starting at 228 pounds. Seems like forever ago. I'm not going back. I'm A FINE WINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Day 69 - Feeling Fine!
It was just a tough couple of days. I'm back on track. It wasn't easy to push myself through that difficult time. But it did come to an end. I've run 3 days in a row. I feel great again. The scale is starting to move again which is always an incentive.
At the end of this month I will start to transition. I will transition when I have 20 pounds left to lose until I hit my goal. This is important because I need to learn how to lose while eating food. I'm starting to wrap my head around this. 26 days to go. I've got this!
At the end of this month I will start to transition. I will transition when I have 20 pounds left to lose until I hit my goal. This is important because I need to learn how to lose while eating food. I'm starting to wrap my head around this. 26 days to go. I've got this!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Day 67 - Treading Water
Ok...I confess I'm getting tired of this. I ate 6 carrots out of the pot roast the other day. I cannot give up! I cannot sabatoge myself. IT IS REALLY HARD RIGHT NOW. I feel good, I look in the mirror and I like what I see. Everyone is telling me how thin I am....and I just want to eat. I want to eat like a normal person.
This too shall pass. I know it will pass. It is a hurdle that has crept up in my way and I will leap over it. Right? I always find a way to leap over these hurdles. Ugh. Yes, the overly enthusiastic, exercising crazy women is lying face down on the floor. I'm beat. Spent. We all reach these walls. Will I get over it and move on? Or will I sneak out to the fridge tonight and eat all the alfredo while everyone is sleeping? Where is my self-control?
I did go running this morning. First time in 7 days. It was a strange out of body experience. I have got to get it together.....
This too shall pass. I know it will pass. It is a hurdle that has crept up in my way and I will leap over it. Right? I always find a way to leap over these hurdles. Ugh. Yes, the overly enthusiastic, exercising crazy women is lying face down on the floor. I'm beat. Spent. We all reach these walls. Will I get over it and move on? Or will I sneak out to the fridge tonight and eat all the alfredo while everyone is sleeping? Where is my self-control?
I did go running this morning. First time in 7 days. It was a strange out of body experience. I have got to get it together.....
Friday, October 1, 2010
Day 65 - New Month - New Me
Its October. Over here on the East Coast the leaves are changing. The air is cool and crisp. The mornings and evenings are darker. The apples are heavy on the trees. It is my favorite time of year. The hint of family gatherings, vacations, snow forts, and christmas lights lingers on the horizon. It is so great to be alive isn't it?
STRESS galore this week. We moved our printing company this past weekend only to have to move it AGAIN tomorrow. I keep closing my eyes and trying to do that belly breathing we learned in class the other day. But, fortunately for me stress is not an eating trigger.
I've seriously let my exercise slide. Which is a trigger for me. Failure is a trigger for me. I'm an all or nothing sort of person. If I cheat in my mind I have failed and the food eating onslaught begins. If I stop exercising, I have failed and sloth like behavior gets control over my ass and parks it. I'm fighting that right now. I did go to yoga the other night and I felt stronger than I thought I would. I hadn't lost anything at all. I was going to get up and run today but I didn't. I slept in. I feel guilt for letting myself down. Maybe I can steal away for an hour today and run in my new neighborhood. Send all of the exercise fairies my way......I need to get over this feeling of failure and be ok with a little down time. Cause I know its ok....but I'm a task master and especially hard on myself. I haven't failed I've wandered for a bit with a move and a head cold.
Weigh in last night...down 4 lbs. Even without the "structured exercise." My PA calories this week were only 1500. I typically have 3600 or more. I did move this past weekend and I'm sure that burned some serious calories.
My size 14's are starting to get loose and the nurse in my program told me last night that I needed to go bra shopping. I have lost 6 inches around my chest. 7 inches on my wasit and 11 on my hips. I haven't gotten myself any new clothes except for yoga pants and shirts and couple of sports bras.
I've discovered a love for cooking. I have never ever liked cooking at all. I'm thinking that because its a connection with food. I get to hold it, smell it, and try to make something yummy for my family. I really enjoy putting together all the ingrediants and then serving them and watching them eat it. I wonder if this new found fascination will last once I start to transition.
I also like to keep busy. No downtime for me. Boredom is my biggest trigger. I've got to plan for downtimes. Find a hobby. I've never had a hobby. I've always had a hard time filling out those questions on social networking sites about what I like to do. I typically put down something lame like reading. I have never had something that I do to enjoy myself. Maybe gardening in the spring? What the hell else can I do? I'm not a crafter. I don't have the patience for sewing or knitting or anything like that. What can I do once I've cleaned my house a hundred times and cooked dinner? I've got to find something.
Kids to the bus!! Yikes!
STRESS galore this week. We moved our printing company this past weekend only to have to move it AGAIN tomorrow. I keep closing my eyes and trying to do that belly breathing we learned in class the other day. But, fortunately for me stress is not an eating trigger.
I've seriously let my exercise slide. Which is a trigger for me. Failure is a trigger for me. I'm an all or nothing sort of person. If I cheat in my mind I have failed and the food eating onslaught begins. If I stop exercising, I have failed and sloth like behavior gets control over my ass and parks it. I'm fighting that right now. I did go to yoga the other night and I felt stronger than I thought I would. I hadn't lost anything at all. I was going to get up and run today but I didn't. I slept in. I feel guilt for letting myself down. Maybe I can steal away for an hour today and run in my new neighborhood. Send all of the exercise fairies my way......I need to get over this feeling of failure and be ok with a little down time. Cause I know its ok....but I'm a task master and especially hard on myself. I haven't failed I've wandered for a bit with a move and a head cold.
Weigh in last night...down 4 lbs. Even without the "structured exercise." My PA calories this week were only 1500. I typically have 3600 or more. I did move this past weekend and I'm sure that burned some serious calories.
My size 14's are starting to get loose and the nurse in my program told me last night that I needed to go bra shopping. I have lost 6 inches around my chest. 7 inches on my wasit and 11 on my hips. I haven't gotten myself any new clothes except for yoga pants and shirts and couple of sports bras.
I've discovered a love for cooking. I have never ever liked cooking at all. I'm thinking that because its a connection with food. I get to hold it, smell it, and try to make something yummy for my family. I really enjoy putting together all the ingrediants and then serving them and watching them eat it. I wonder if this new found fascination will last once I start to transition.
I also like to keep busy. No downtime for me. Boredom is my biggest trigger. I've got to plan for downtimes. Find a hobby. I've never had a hobby. I've always had a hard time filling out those questions on social networking sites about what I like to do. I typically put down something lame like reading. I have never had something that I do to enjoy myself. Maybe gardening in the spring? What the hell else can I do? I'm not a crafter. I don't have the patience for sewing or knitting or anything like that. What can I do once I've cleaned my house a hundred times and cooked dinner? I've got to find something.
Kids to the bus!! Yikes!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Day 63 - Exhausted!
My husband and I moved our business and our home over the weekend. It has derailed me. I have NOT eaten any food. I just haven't run since I ran the 5K on Saturday. I haven't been to Zumba or Yoga. To top it all off I have this abnoxious head cold. Oh man, its a doozy.
I have noticed that I hang up the things I enjoy in times of stress. I'm stressed. I'm not sure I have mentioned this before, but I don't stress easy. I'm not a "stress eater." I'm a bored eater. I'm a reward eater. During this stressful time I've found it more difficult then ever to remind myself to get all of my calories in. I really feel like I can't let myself enjoy the things I was doing until I'm over these hurdles. I'm going to call it being really focused. Just like when I'm in the zone dieting...focused. I need to figure out how to find balance. I know that when I'm out running I have really clear thoughts. It is helpful to run when there is a problem. Your mind goes to a different place. I'm going to really try to get to yoga tonight for myself. Leave all of my issues, stress, and problems at the door.....
I have noticed that I hang up the things I enjoy in times of stress. I'm stressed. I'm not sure I have mentioned this before, but I don't stress easy. I'm not a "stress eater." I'm a bored eater. I'm a reward eater. During this stressful time I've found it more difficult then ever to remind myself to get all of my calories in. I really feel like I can't let myself enjoy the things I was doing until I'm over these hurdles. I'm going to call it being really focused. Just like when I'm in the zone dieting...focused. I need to figure out how to find balance. I know that when I'm out running I have really clear thoughts. It is helpful to run when there is a problem. Your mind goes to a different place. I'm going to really try to get to yoga tonight for myself. Leave all of my issues, stress, and problems at the door.....
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Day 57 - Out of the 190's
I've hit 188. A total of 40 pounds! I still expect to wake up and have the entire weight loss a dream. I lost 4.7 pounds this week. I've officially moved out of the obese category into the overweight category. I have never been so happy to be overweight in my life. I will never be obese again.
I'm afraid. The amigos say I should start transitioning to food when I hit the 170's. That would be a couple of weeks. I'm not ready!!! I can imagine what you are thinking. I haven't had food in 57 days and you would think I would want to eat. Food is my drug of choice. Imagine giving an alcoholic a beer and telling him that one is enough. I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop. I'm afraid I'm not mentally ready yet. It has only been since August that I've been losing. I'm so scared to fail. I'm afraid to be in that 95%.
I'm afraid. The amigos say I should start transitioning to food when I hit the 170's. That would be a couple of weeks. I'm not ready!!! I can imagine what you are thinking. I haven't had food in 57 days and you would think I would want to eat. Food is my drug of choice. Imagine giving an alcoholic a beer and telling him that one is enough. I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop. I'm afraid I'm not mentally ready yet. It has only been since August that I've been losing. I'm so scared to fail. I'm afraid to be in that 95%.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Day 54 - Happy Birthday to Me!
Happy Birthday to me! 34 years old today. The best gift I have given myself is to lose 38 pounds so far. Today I hit the 190 mark. I officially have 40 pounds left to lose. I'm over the 1/2 way hurdle. I've asked that my family not have any sort of party for me. No cake, no icecream, no food in my face that I cannot eat. Its ok! Honest.
On Sunday I ran in my first 10k race. 6.2 miles! I ran it in 1 hour and 8 minutes. Beating 211 other people. I absolutely LOVE saying that as it sounds really really impressive. There were over 1400 people in the race. So, I'm not the fastest runner...not by a long stretch. But I ran the whole damn thing and I didn't come in last. You have to have goals! Maybe next year I will run proudly next to my sister who ran the thing brilliantly. I was very happy to see my Dad and his girlfriend show up to cheer us on along the trail and at the end. It meant more to me than I can put words too.
Did yoga last night. It slapped me in the ass and then handed it to me on a silver plate. Ouch...it was brutal! I just keep thinking if I an stengthen up my abs all the rest will fall into place. You know the ol' "core" song and dance. I think maybe there is something to that. I will find out.
I'm ready to head out the door for a quick 3.1 mile run. Nice and easy. For the first time I'm mourning the loss of my warm summer runs...I have long pants and a long shirt on. All black too I think...although it is still dark out and I can't really see what I'm wearing! Oh well...
On Sunday I ran in my first 10k race. 6.2 miles! I ran it in 1 hour and 8 minutes. Beating 211 other people. I absolutely LOVE saying that as it sounds really really impressive. There were over 1400 people in the race. So, I'm not the fastest runner...not by a long stretch. But I ran the whole damn thing and I didn't come in last. You have to have goals! Maybe next year I will run proudly next to my sister who ran the thing brilliantly. I was very happy to see my Dad and his girlfriend show up to cheer us on along the trail and at the end. It meant more to me than I can put words too.
Did yoga last night. It slapped me in the ass and then handed it to me on a silver plate. Ouch...it was brutal! I just keep thinking if I an stengthen up my abs all the rest will fall into place. You know the ol' "core" song and dance. I think maybe there is something to that. I will find out.
I'm ready to head out the door for a quick 3.1 mile run. Nice and easy. For the first time I'm mourning the loss of my warm summer runs...I have long pants and a long shirt on. All black too I think...although it is still dark out and I can't really see what I'm wearing! Oh well...
Friday, September 17, 2010
Day 50 - A slow down.
This week at weigh in I only dropped 3.7 pounds. I know, I know it is still good yaddy yada. I heard it from the 3 amigos too. But it is the least I've lost in the past 7 weeks of butt busting. I burned 3600 calories this week. More than last week. My theory...as I always have a theory...is that this is the first week up here in New Hampshire that we have had some really cool weather. It was 41 degrees yesterday when I went for my run. Brrr!! I think my body is saying,"Winter...need to keep the fat!" I suggested my theory to the nutritionist and she agreed with me. That it was a rough week for everyone in my class. So it goes.
I've been thinking a little bit more about "The Voice." I did have, a few posts back, a fight with the voice over wether or not to live up to a deal I had made with myself. Is this an eternal hiccup that I will forever deal with? A recording that continously plays again and again that I'm not deserving of a reward? Um....no. I'm simply a very sensible person. I'm not a big splurger. When I told myself that it was $300 I could use elsewhere, I could. I have to learn that making a deal with myself is just as important as making a deal with someone else. I cannot let myself out of it. I do not believe that some internal hijacking mischeif maker is waiting to pounce on every positive thought and squash it like a bug. I just don't. I will not divide myself up into pieces or people or old thoughts.
I read about people fighting with themselves or "inner voices" in the weight loss forums. I listended to it in class last night. I just want to scream! Its just another way of pointing the finger at someone other than yourself. Of not taking responsibility for these thoughts! Oh sure, its someone elses fault we think this way. Its "the voice." (Key dramatic music.) I am done with the voice. I ran without my Ipod the other day to try and discover what "the voice" was saying to me. It kept telling me that I definately needed to keep losing weight as I could feel my rearend bouncing dutifully behind me as I jogged up the path. It told me that I needed to remember to chew gum because I could smell my own coffee breath as I was gasping for air on the way back down the trail. It told me to get new shoes because my toes are starting to stick out of the tops of my favorite sneakers. Oh good grief. I mean honestly! Enough already.
I've been thinking a little bit more about "The Voice." I did have, a few posts back, a fight with the voice over wether or not to live up to a deal I had made with myself. Is this an eternal hiccup that I will forever deal with? A recording that continously plays again and again that I'm not deserving of a reward? Um....no. I'm simply a very sensible person. I'm not a big splurger. When I told myself that it was $300 I could use elsewhere, I could. I have to learn that making a deal with myself is just as important as making a deal with someone else. I cannot let myself out of it. I do not believe that some internal hijacking mischeif maker is waiting to pounce on every positive thought and squash it like a bug. I just don't. I will not divide myself up into pieces or people or old thoughts.
I read about people fighting with themselves or "inner voices" in the weight loss forums. I listended to it in class last night. I just want to scream! Its just another way of pointing the finger at someone other than yourself. Of not taking responsibility for these thoughts! Oh sure, its someone elses fault we think this way. Its "the voice." (Key dramatic music.) I am done with the voice. I ran without my Ipod the other day to try and discover what "the voice" was saying to me. It kept telling me that I definately needed to keep losing weight as I could feel my rearend bouncing dutifully behind me as I jogged up the path. It told me that I needed to remember to chew gum because I could smell my own coffee breath as I was gasping for air on the way back down the trail. It told me to get new shoes because my toes are starting to stick out of the tops of my favorite sneakers. Oh good grief. I mean honestly! Enough already.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A Quick Note....
Thank you to my very first follower. All of these days of blogging and I've wondered, "Is anyone even paying attention?" Now I have an answer. Even if its just me and you throughout this journey...it is worth it. Cause you are listening. Thank you!
Day 48 - Split Personality
I'm reading Geneen Ross "Women, Food and God." I have to tell you it has been hard for me to get through. A lot of my friends have LOVED It and gone crazy over it. I'm not sure she is describing me in this book.
Right now I'm reading about "The Voice." This awful demeaning voice in your head that tries to sabotage anything great. I'm not sure about this voice phenomenon. I do talk to myself. I have an inner dialogue all the time. I just did for a second when I lifted up my coffee cup and started to put it down and my voice said, "No, just one more sip." So I drank another sip. Not sure I really believe that it is some sort of bad guy living in my brain or a bunch of mean relatives and horrible people that I have encountered throughout my life who put me down. I'm not sure anyone who was mean to me was that important that I carry their messages around with me forever. I'm having a hard time buying it. I do not think I have a multiple personality. Good cop bad cop living in my head. I think I fight off my inner self wanting to be lazy and just sit around doing nothing...but I cannot imagine a "voice" that is a manifestation of all things bad from my past ruling my life. Sorry.....not a split personality. I'm not looking to blame my issues on some inner voice. It is me folks! When my legs where fat they were fat. My "voice" was not wrong. When I was being lazy I was being lazy. My voice was not wrong! Just me seeing the truth and trying to get me motivated to do something about it. Why do all of these self-help books have to try and dig out these weird idiosyncrasies? Why does it have to be some big psychological struggle? Some excavation of the past? Who can I point the finger at now? Which one of my family members did me wrong? So wrong that you continue to hang out in my brain and wreak havoc on my daily activities? Good grief. I have a little bit more control over myself than that. I'm in control, not the ghosts of Christmas past. Oy!
Right now I'm reading about "The Voice." This awful demeaning voice in your head that tries to sabotage anything great. I'm not sure about this voice phenomenon. I do talk to myself. I have an inner dialogue all the time. I just did for a second when I lifted up my coffee cup and started to put it down and my voice said, "No, just one more sip." So I drank another sip. Not sure I really believe that it is some sort of bad guy living in my brain or a bunch of mean relatives and horrible people that I have encountered throughout my life who put me down. I'm not sure anyone who was mean to me was that important that I carry their messages around with me forever. I'm having a hard time buying it. I do not think I have a multiple personality. Good cop bad cop living in my head. I think I fight off my inner self wanting to be lazy and just sit around doing nothing...but I cannot imagine a "voice" that is a manifestation of all things bad from my past ruling my life. Sorry.....not a split personality. I'm not looking to blame my issues on some inner voice. It is me folks! When my legs where fat they were fat. My "voice" was not wrong. When I was being lazy I was being lazy. My voice was not wrong! Just me seeing the truth and trying to get me motivated to do something about it. Why do all of these self-help books have to try and dig out these weird idiosyncrasies? Why does it have to be some big psychological struggle? Some excavation of the past? Who can I point the finger at now? Which one of my family members did me wrong? So wrong that you continue to hang out in my brain and wreak havoc on my daily activities? Good grief. I have a little bit more control over myself than that. I'm in control, not the ghosts of Christmas past. Oy!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Day 45 - The Start of Something Special.
I've been focusing hard on what I'm going to do when I am no longer "dieting." I've heard a lot of people say that they do not focus on the end they are focused on the losing part of it and will worry about the maintenance when the time comes. I cannot tell you how wrong I think that is.
I'm making a plan. 95% of people who lose weight will gain it back. I fully intend on being one of the 5%. I'm going to start a very exclusive club for those of us in maintenance. It will be called, "The Fine Wine -5% club." Not having anything to do with alcohol. It has to do with the vines that the grapes grow on. I've blogged about this before. That the best wines come from vines that have struggled. Those vines literally struggle for survival. The fight for sun, for food, for water. Because of their struggle the grapes are more complex, sweeter, and make better wine.
I think that a lot of us spend so much time digging through our pasts...constantly bringing it back up all the time. Pusing it away by eating it! I think it is time for us to STOP! To embrace our pasts...our struggles. It is those struggles that have made us A FINE WINE. It is going to be part of my maintenance plan to love who I am. Love what I've been through so that it doesn't continue to surface and cause me stress and anxiety. Its all ok! I love who I am. I'm a FINE WINE.
I have 45 pounds to go until I launch the start of this club. We are going to do some really amazing things! More to come!
I'm making a plan. 95% of people who lose weight will gain it back. I fully intend on being one of the 5%. I'm going to start a very exclusive club for those of us in maintenance. It will be called, "The Fine Wine -5% club." Not having anything to do with alcohol. It has to do with the vines that the grapes grow on. I've blogged about this before. That the best wines come from vines that have struggled. Those vines literally struggle for survival. The fight for sun, for food, for water. Because of their struggle the grapes are more complex, sweeter, and make better wine.
I think that a lot of us spend so much time digging through our pasts...constantly bringing it back up all the time. Pusing it away by eating it! I think it is time for us to STOP! To embrace our pasts...our struggles. It is those struggles that have made us A FINE WINE. It is going to be part of my maintenance plan to love who I am. Love what I've been through so that it doesn't continue to surface and cause me stress and anxiety. Its all ok! I love who I am. I'm a FINE WINE.
I have 45 pounds to go until I launch the start of this club. We are going to do some really amazing things! More to come!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Day 42 - Huge Milestone!
I am officially under 200 pounds!!! 197 to be exact. 31 pounds down....
I needed to hit this milestone. I've been dragging lately. After my weekend of full on family assault I've been fighting off my food demons. All of my family got together for Labor Day weekend. One of my triggers is carrying other peoples burdens. After listening to problem after problem, I felt heavy. I wanted to eat badly. I watched them all move from one meal to the next. If it wasn't food it was alcohol. Everyone putting things in their mouth. Moving from one location to the next to sit and snack, drink, and go on and on about problems problems and more problems. No one really did anything else. Sure there were a few rides up and down on the camp road on the four-wheeler. My sister and I went for a 4 mile walk which was the highlight of my 2 days. I love my family. I love my family very very much. It was just very difficult to face my triggers and battle against them.
Today after seeing the scale and going for a nice long run I feel back in the groove. After 3 days of decompressing from the family affair, I'm finally feeling better again.
I've also been trying new types of exercise. Last night I did Yoga! I never thought I would like it. I thought it would be breathing and stretching. It was so much more than that. I was sweating bullets. My muscles were so worked. It was great strength training without having to life weights and also a great great stretching and breathing class. I needed it. It felt great.
I have to tell you that on several occasions I almost left the gym last night. I'm not a very social person. I'm uncomfortable meeting new people. Often I'm written off as a snob. I'm not a snob, just really shy. I don't like trying new things. It is very hard for me. I had to force myself to stay and try out this class. I'm glad that I did. I'm going to go twice a week! It was that incredible.
I still have not eaten food. I have no desire to do so. There is not a food out there that would taste as good as I feel right now losing weight. Which also scares me. What happens when I stop losing? I have to change up my mind..the real game is going to begin when I stop losing. The game of keep away. Keep off the weight. That will be the biggest challenge.
All of my clothes are starting to get really baggy! I FRIGGIN' LOVE IT! It has all happened so fast that I still expect to wake up and find myself back at 228 pounds. I don't know how many dreams I've had that I actually lose the weight. But, I never have. It is all very dream like. I completely encourage anyone to try it! 42 days = 31 pounds. Not as hard as you think and there is nothing like starting to look pretty in the mirror again.
I needed to hit this milestone. I've been dragging lately. After my weekend of full on family assault I've been fighting off my food demons. All of my family got together for Labor Day weekend. One of my triggers is carrying other peoples burdens. After listening to problem after problem, I felt heavy. I wanted to eat badly. I watched them all move from one meal to the next. If it wasn't food it was alcohol. Everyone putting things in their mouth. Moving from one location to the next to sit and snack, drink, and go on and on about problems problems and more problems. No one really did anything else. Sure there were a few rides up and down on the camp road on the four-wheeler. My sister and I went for a 4 mile walk which was the highlight of my 2 days. I love my family. I love my family very very much. It was just very difficult to face my triggers and battle against them.
Today after seeing the scale and going for a nice long run I feel back in the groove. After 3 days of decompressing from the family affair, I'm finally feeling better again.
I've also been trying new types of exercise. Last night I did Yoga! I never thought I would like it. I thought it would be breathing and stretching. It was so much more than that. I was sweating bullets. My muscles were so worked. It was great strength training without having to life weights and also a great great stretching and breathing class. I needed it. It felt great.
I have to tell you that on several occasions I almost left the gym last night. I'm not a very social person. I'm uncomfortable meeting new people. Often I'm written off as a snob. I'm not a snob, just really shy. I don't like trying new things. It is very hard for me. I had to force myself to stay and try out this class. I'm glad that I did. I'm going to go twice a week! It was that incredible.
I still have not eaten food. I have no desire to do so. There is not a food out there that would taste as good as I feel right now losing weight. Which also scares me. What happens when I stop losing? I have to change up my mind..the real game is going to begin when I stop losing. The game of keep away. Keep off the weight. That will be the biggest challenge.
All of my clothes are starting to get really baggy! I FRIGGIN' LOVE IT! It has all happened so fast that I still expect to wake up and find myself back at 228 pounds. I don't know how many dreams I've had that I actually lose the weight. But, I never have. It is all very dream like. I completely encourage anyone to try it! 42 days = 31 pounds. Not as hard as you think and there is nothing like starting to look pretty in the mirror again.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Day 39 - On the cusp
I'm 200 pounds! I told myself, "Self, when you get to the 200 pound mark you can buy $300 worth of items that you have always wanted." So, I went to one of the websites that I've always surfed through and put everything I've ever wanted into my cart. When it came time to check out I found myself saying, "What are you doing? You don't really need this stuff. You can live without out it. This is $300! You don't really need to buy yourself anything until you are at goal weight. Just close this out and go clean upstairs."
So, I almost listened to myself. I almost closed out of the website and went upstairs to clean. I almost let myself talk myself out of something that I DESERVED! A deal that I had made with myself. A reward I had given myself for achieving a goal. I acheived the mother @#$%* goal! I now have to live up the deal that I made with myself. If someone else had shoke my hand and told me that they would do this for me when I hit my goal then I would expect them to live up to it. Why is it that I can talk myself out a deal that I made with myself? Why am I convincing myself that I don't need it..that I haven't really accomplished anything until I've hit my goal weight.
I'm mad at myself for trying to do that to myself. That is negative! It is how I have personally sabatoged anything good for myself over the past 33 years. I have talked myself out of taking care of myself. Of spoiling myself. Of nurturing myself. Of letting myself live up to the bargains that I have made with myself. I do deserve it. I have worked hard to get here. Acknowledging that is ok. Rewarding myself is ok...and rewarding myself with something other than food! Bravo Miss thang! You did it! If my friend called me up and said she had hit her goal I would be celebrating with her. I would be so proud of her. So why is it so hard to celebrate with myself and be proud of myself?
I mean its not like I'm treating myself every pound I lose...or even every 10. I had told myself I would get some new makeup when I hit 210 pounds. Did I...NO. I told myself when I got to 180 pounds I would get myself a new pair of sneakers. A new friggin' pair of sneakers after losing 58 lbs. C'mon!!!!
So, did I do it? Did I checkout with my $300 worth of items that I have always wanted? You better friggin' believe I did. I checked out and hit the button like 50 times screaming "Bring that shit to me!!" I hope they dont' charge me 50 times and send me 50 of those items. But man oh man did it feel good.
So, I almost listened to myself. I almost closed out of the website and went upstairs to clean. I almost let myself talk myself out of something that I DESERVED! A deal that I had made with myself. A reward I had given myself for achieving a goal. I acheived the mother @#$%* goal! I now have to live up the deal that I made with myself. If someone else had shoke my hand and told me that they would do this for me when I hit my goal then I would expect them to live up to it. Why is it that I can talk myself out a deal that I made with myself? Why am I convincing myself that I don't need it..that I haven't really accomplished anything until I've hit my goal weight.
I'm mad at myself for trying to do that to myself. That is negative! It is how I have personally sabatoged anything good for myself over the past 33 years. I have talked myself out of taking care of myself. Of spoiling myself. Of nurturing myself. Of letting myself live up to the bargains that I have made with myself. I do deserve it. I have worked hard to get here. Acknowledging that is ok. Rewarding myself is ok...and rewarding myself with something other than food! Bravo Miss thang! You did it! If my friend called me up and said she had hit her goal I would be celebrating with her. I would be so proud of her. So why is it so hard to celebrate with myself and be proud of myself?
I mean its not like I'm treating myself every pound I lose...or even every 10. I had told myself I would get some new makeup when I hit 210 pounds. Did I...NO. I told myself when I got to 180 pounds I would get myself a new pair of sneakers. A new friggin' pair of sneakers after losing 58 lbs. C'mon!!!!
So, did I do it? Did I checkout with my $300 worth of items that I have always wanted? You better friggin' believe I did. I checked out and hit the button like 50 times screaming "Bring that shit to me!!" I hope they dont' charge me 50 times and send me 50 of those items. But man oh man did it feel good.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Day 36 -Easy?
I go onto the www.3fatchicks.com website all the time. One of the posts this morning was talking about whether or not weightloss is easy. For me its been very easy. Sure I've had some revelation and some things to comtemplate about myself, but for the most part is has been easy. It hasn't always been easy. I've done atkins a dozen times, South Beach, cabbage soup, the GI diet, Transitions, Weight Watchers, weightloss pills...I've tried them all. Those were not easy. Too many options. Too many decisions. It was a lot harder for me. I'd call it mental mindgames all day long. I don't have any mental mindgames with the shake fast. There aren't any choices. There isin't any plotting or scheming to figure out what I'm going to have next. I know! So it frees up my mind to think about other things. To really zero in on my triggers. If I find myself feeling like I have to have food and I'm not physically hungry I have to stop and find out why.
You would think 800 calories a day would be difficult to maintain. It is not. It is actually hard to make sure you get them all in.
I had weigh in last night. I was very suprised to see that I lost 6 lbs this week. What did I do differently than the other weeks? Well, I think just getting over my period was helpful. I changed up the exercise routine this week. I did my long run on Sunday, Zumba on Monday, Run on Tuesday, exercise at the gym on Wednesday, I ran yesterday and I haven't decided what I'm going to do today. So I didn't burn as many calories as I typically do. But maybe my body thanked me for the balance? Damn Ying and Yang....
Another weekend away this weekend. I will be around my Nanny and all of my family at our camp in Maine. I won't cheat! I have no doubt of that. I wonder if any triggers will bubble up. Nanny's turkey dinner and spagetti pie. Ooohh la la. But ya know what...even that is not enough to make me want to cheat. My mind is set. I will have that again, just not right now. I can handle that. I have 2 solid months left of the fast. This IS easy.
You would think 800 calories a day would be difficult to maintain. It is not. It is actually hard to make sure you get them all in.
I had weigh in last night. I was very suprised to see that I lost 6 lbs this week. What did I do differently than the other weeks? Well, I think just getting over my period was helpful. I changed up the exercise routine this week. I did my long run on Sunday, Zumba on Monday, Run on Tuesday, exercise at the gym on Wednesday, I ran yesterday and I haven't decided what I'm going to do today. So I didn't burn as many calories as I typically do. But maybe my body thanked me for the balance? Damn Ying and Yang....
Another weekend away this weekend. I will be around my Nanny and all of my family at our camp in Maine. I won't cheat! I have no doubt of that. I wonder if any triggers will bubble up. Nanny's turkey dinner and spagetti pie. Ooohh la la. But ya know what...even that is not enough to make me want to cheat. My mind is set. I will have that again, just not right now. I can handle that. I have 2 solid months left of the fast. This IS easy.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Day 33 - Moving along.
I cannot believe that I have been 33 days without food. Well you know..not food food..shakes. I'm amazing you know that? I went to Zumba last night. Holy hips! Man oh man, I have to learn to loosen up a little bit. I was like a tree in a congo line. Pathetic!
I haven't cheated. I feel great! I actually went away to my father's house this past weekend and did really well staying on the plan. It wasn't hard. I thought if I was in a social situation it might trigger me. But it didn't.
Since I've been fasting for 33 days (800 calories a day)...I've been thinking about transision. When might be a good time for to start going back to food? Its a scary scary thought. Imagine giving alcohol to an alcoholic and trying to teach them to live a sober existance. It will be the fight of my life to stay thin. If I lose 20 more lbs in September and then another 20 lbs in October I will be 163 which is 13 lbs to my goal weight. I'm thinking that I would like to go back on food and learn how to lose weight while eating food. Take the extra 13 lbs off that way.
My body is definately changing. I've lost 3 inches off of my chest and 4 inches off of my hips! My clothes are starting to get to big. My bras are starting to be ineffective at holding up my boobs! I really don't want to go out and get new clothes just to have to turn around and get more. So I'm holding strong with all of my fat clothes.
I have a 3 mile run this morning! So I've got to go and get my gear on and drink my coffee.
I haven't cheated. I feel great! I actually went away to my father's house this past weekend and did really well staying on the plan. It wasn't hard. I thought if I was in a social situation it might trigger me. But it didn't.
Since I've been fasting for 33 days (800 calories a day)...I've been thinking about transision. When might be a good time for to start going back to food? Its a scary scary thought. Imagine giving alcohol to an alcoholic and trying to teach them to live a sober existance. It will be the fight of my life to stay thin. If I lose 20 more lbs in September and then another 20 lbs in October I will be 163 which is 13 lbs to my goal weight. I'm thinking that I would like to go back on food and learn how to lose weight while eating food. Take the extra 13 lbs off that way.
My body is definately changing. I've lost 3 inches off of my chest and 4 inches off of my hips! My clothes are starting to get to big. My bras are starting to be ineffective at holding up my boobs! I really don't want to go out and get new clothes just to have to turn around and get more. So I'm holding strong with all of my fat clothes.
I have a 3 mile run this morning! So I've got to go and get my gear on and drink my coffee.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Day 29 - Back in the saddle - Sweet & Sour
I have not cheated! I have stayed the course. I have lost another 4 lbs. I'm now at a total loss of 20lbs. Not bad for 29 days eh?
But let me tell you...this past week has been tough. I will point the finger at PMS and my period in general. I have never been so happy to just get my period and get it over with. Immediately I dropped 1.5 lbs. My mood, my endurance...the way I felt on my run. Like night and day. What a huge trigger PMS and my period are for me. I'm going to have to figure out a way to fight that battle the next time around. I guess I always knew it was a time when I wanted to eat as if I were storing it away for winter!! But man...I didn't realize the mental torture my mind was giving me during that time. I've always just went with it. Potato chips, ice cream...whatever my mind was telling me I needed to get through my period.
So...that was as learning experience. I'm glad to be past it and feeling like a million bucks. Life is about the sweet and the sour. I know I've talked about that before. We are always fighting to have just the sweet. Only the sweet all the time. We want to be like the people we perceive that only get the sweet. We imagine their life perfect..loads of sweetness all the time. There is no such thing. Nor would I want that. How can you appreciate the sweet without the sour? You must must must have sour in order to appreciate the sweet. Haven't you ever thought, "Geez, look at how he/she is acting. I would kill to be able to have the things they have." The person you are looking at obviously needs to have a little more sour so that they can appreciate the sweet.
Struggling to lose weight is enjoying the sweet. I've been rock bottom. I've been severly over weight...lacking motivation, energy, will power. That was sour. I appreciate what I'm going through now..watching the pounds drop off..feeling in control. I'm experiencing the sweet. So many people out there want what is happening to me right now. So many people out there will try to sabatoge it for me. "She is not losing the right way. Her knees are going to bother her for the rest of her life because of that running." They are trying to take away my sweet so that I can go back to the sour with them. Its hard for others to see you enjoying when they are so miserable. It is much easier for them if you are sour as well. It is hard for me to close the door on those sour people. But, I can't let them into my world right now. I cannot let them try to sabatoge me. I will not let them drag me down.
Just remember life is about the sweet and the sour. Finding that balance...ying and yang. If you are going to have the sweet things in life you must must must have sour. And that is ok.
But let me tell you...this past week has been tough. I will point the finger at PMS and my period in general. I have never been so happy to just get my period and get it over with. Immediately I dropped 1.5 lbs. My mood, my endurance...the way I felt on my run. Like night and day. What a huge trigger PMS and my period are for me. I'm going to have to figure out a way to fight that battle the next time around. I guess I always knew it was a time when I wanted to eat as if I were storing it away for winter!! But man...I didn't realize the mental torture my mind was giving me during that time. I've always just went with it. Potato chips, ice cream...whatever my mind was telling me I needed to get through my period.
So...that was as learning experience. I'm glad to be past it and feeling like a million bucks. Life is about the sweet and the sour. I know I've talked about that before. We are always fighting to have just the sweet. Only the sweet all the time. We want to be like the people we perceive that only get the sweet. We imagine their life perfect..loads of sweetness all the time. There is no such thing. Nor would I want that. How can you appreciate the sweet without the sour? You must must must have sour in order to appreciate the sweet. Haven't you ever thought, "Geez, look at how he/she is acting. I would kill to be able to have the things they have." The person you are looking at obviously needs to have a little more sour so that they can appreciate the sweet.
Struggling to lose weight is enjoying the sweet. I've been rock bottom. I've been severly over weight...lacking motivation, energy, will power. That was sour. I appreciate what I'm going through now..watching the pounds drop off..feeling in control. I'm experiencing the sweet. So many people out there want what is happening to me right now. So many people out there will try to sabatoge it for me. "She is not losing the right way. Her knees are going to bother her for the rest of her life because of that running." They are trying to take away my sweet so that I can go back to the sour with them. Its hard for others to see you enjoying when they are so miserable. It is much easier for them if you are sour as well. It is hard for me to close the door on those sour people. But, I can't let them into my world right now. I cannot let them try to sabatoge me. I will not let them drag me down.
Just remember life is about the sweet and the sour. Finding that balance...ying and yang. If you are going to have the sweet things in life you must must must have sour. And that is ok.
Monday, August 23, 2010
DAY 25 - PMS & Weight loss?
PMS & Weight loss is there such a thing? I have been losing pretty steadily and then all of a sudden I've hit a wall. I believe it is mother nature throwing a curve ball at me. I think at any moment I will begin my period.
This weekend was very difficult for me. I wanted to cheat so many times. This is the first time that I've really considered cheating. I've been so focused. But man! All I wanted was something that would I dunno...just something to put in my mouth! I don't know why...just because.
I should have started my period all ready. Its overdue. I'm sure it is because of all the exercise and the new diet that I have started. Its definately a huge change from what I've been doing. So....come on mother nature, lets just do this and move on!
This weekend was very difficult for me. I wanted to cheat so many times. This is the first time that I've really considered cheating. I've been so focused. But man! All I wanted was something that would I dunno...just something to put in my mouth! I don't know why...just because.
I should have started my period all ready. Its overdue. I'm sure it is because of all the exercise and the new diet that I have started. Its definately a huge change from what I've been doing. So....come on mother nature, lets just do this and move on!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Day 24 - PAIN!
One of the things they are trying to teach us in class is that we need to have "unstructured" exercise activities. So, today is my "day off" from running. I thought it would be a great idea to go kayaking! So I signed us up for a 9 mile kayak adventure. Holy CRAP I'm in so much pain. It hurts to type right now. I never would have guessed that kayaking would be so tiring! It is. Next time a 3 mile would be plenty. Oy!
Friday, August 20, 2010
Day 22 - The Role Modeling Revelation
The update is: I was 227. I'm now 210. I want to be 150. So I've lost 17lbs. I have 60 lbs to go! I had my bloodwork done and my triglicerides went from 854 to 72! My cholesterol was 240 and is now 98! No wonder I feel like a million bucks.
I did have an elevated liver panel. They think I might not be getting enough calories so I have to have an extra shake a day this week. OR they think my body is burning fat so much that my liver is being over used. Poor liver...sorry but I gotta burn this crap off. Its going to be a long journey for you, my feet, and my brain. Essential organs get with it will ya?
Over the past 3 weeks, I've watched my daughter choose water over juice or soda. I've watched her want to walk and exercise. She is choosing to do what I'm doing. When I explained to them why I wasn't going to be eating food for awhile because if I kept eating the way I was they would eventually have a very unhealthy mother. My 5 year old son and my 8 year old daughter became pantry security. In fact I came home last night to find that my husband had made a friggin' CHEESECAKE!!! It has just come out of the oven. I walked over to it and too a nice big smell. My son says, "Mom, you can't have that." Even though he is five and super cute his insistance that I couldn't have it made me want it. It triggered a voice inside my head that said "No one can tell you what you can and can't have!" The control side of me. It has never ever been motivating for someone to tell me I'm heavy or that what I'm eating is not good for me. In fact it shoves me further in the other direction. A trigger for me....and one that I have to be aware of.
Ever since my children were young I would try to teach them good eating habits. We would talk about portions. I even have portion plates so that they could learn how much of each type of food to eat! I would talk about the benefits of water and exercise. Yet, I never practiced what I preached. I would say choose a fruit and I'd eat chips. I would suggest water for them and swig down a diet coke. I have been a walking hypocrite since both of my children came into this world. I have confused them. My son, at five, doesn't seem to be effected yet. He looks and acts much like his father who will never have a weight problem. My husband is thin and always busy. He forgets to eat and prefers to eat healthy when given the choice. My son could careless about eating. He doesn't want to take the time to stop and eat. If you can get something in his mouth as he runs past you then you are ahead of the game.
My beautiful daughter. She looks like small mini me, except she is twice as tall as I was when I was that age. She loves food. If I would let her she would eat all day long. Not healthy things either. She would drink soda and eat salt n' vinegar chips dipping them into macaroni and cheese. She plots her next meals as I always have. She wants a "treat" everytime we go to a store as I have always done. She is me in every single way and in her eating habits. I have always taught her what is right and wrong to eat. It is very obvious to me that actions peak louder than words. She has been learning unhealthy habits simply by watching me. You can't tell children you have to show them. I have been letting her down. I have been leading her down the same road to the same problems that I have. It breaks my heart. I have failed her as a mother. I have been a poor role model. I do not want her to struggle with her weight as I have. It has consumed a lot of my life. It has caused me to go into hiding. To avoid people. To lose that social aspect of my life that I enjoy. It has reaked havoc on my body. It has tortured my self-esteem and confidence. I do not want that for my little girl.
I will finish this diet and I will make it a lifestyle. I pledge that to my children. I will find my triggers and find my pain. I will learn how to make better choices and lead a healthy lifestyle. Because my family deserves that from me. I deserve it for myself. I want to be plugged into life and not skirting around the frindges of the life that I deserve. I'm getting closer to the person I know I am inside. I can feel it.
I did have an elevated liver panel. They think I might not be getting enough calories so I have to have an extra shake a day this week. OR they think my body is burning fat so much that my liver is being over used. Poor liver...sorry but I gotta burn this crap off. Its going to be a long journey for you, my feet, and my brain. Essential organs get with it will ya?
Over the past 3 weeks, I've watched my daughter choose water over juice or soda. I've watched her want to walk and exercise. She is choosing to do what I'm doing. When I explained to them why I wasn't going to be eating food for awhile because if I kept eating the way I was they would eventually have a very unhealthy mother. My 5 year old son and my 8 year old daughter became pantry security. In fact I came home last night to find that my husband had made a friggin' CHEESECAKE!!! It has just come out of the oven. I walked over to it and too a nice big smell. My son says, "Mom, you can't have that." Even though he is five and super cute his insistance that I couldn't have it made me want it. It triggered a voice inside my head that said "No one can tell you what you can and can't have!" The control side of me. It has never ever been motivating for someone to tell me I'm heavy or that what I'm eating is not good for me. In fact it shoves me further in the other direction. A trigger for me....and one that I have to be aware of.
Ever since my children were young I would try to teach them good eating habits. We would talk about portions. I even have portion plates so that they could learn how much of each type of food to eat! I would talk about the benefits of water and exercise. Yet, I never practiced what I preached. I would say choose a fruit and I'd eat chips. I would suggest water for them and swig down a diet coke. I have been a walking hypocrite since both of my children came into this world. I have confused them. My son, at five, doesn't seem to be effected yet. He looks and acts much like his father who will never have a weight problem. My husband is thin and always busy. He forgets to eat and prefers to eat healthy when given the choice. My son could careless about eating. He doesn't want to take the time to stop and eat. If you can get something in his mouth as he runs past you then you are ahead of the game.
My beautiful daughter. She looks like small mini me, except she is twice as tall as I was when I was that age. She loves food. If I would let her she would eat all day long. Not healthy things either. She would drink soda and eat salt n' vinegar chips dipping them into macaroni and cheese. She plots her next meals as I always have. She wants a "treat" everytime we go to a store as I have always done. She is me in every single way and in her eating habits. I have always taught her what is right and wrong to eat. It is very obvious to me that actions peak louder than words. She has been learning unhealthy habits simply by watching me. You can't tell children you have to show them. I have been letting her down. I have been leading her down the same road to the same problems that I have. It breaks my heart. I have failed her as a mother. I have been a poor role model. I do not want her to struggle with her weight as I have. It has consumed a lot of my life. It has caused me to go into hiding. To avoid people. To lose that social aspect of my life that I enjoy. It has reaked havoc on my body. It has tortured my self-esteem and confidence. I do not want that for my little girl.
I will finish this diet and I will make it a lifestyle. I pledge that to my children. I will find my triggers and find my pain. I will learn how to make better choices and lead a healthy lifestyle. Because my family deserves that from me. I deserve it for myself. I want to be plugged into life and not skirting around the frindges of the life that I deserve. I'm getting closer to the person I know I am inside. I can feel it.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Day 19 - Liquid Fast
I signed up for a 5K today! I'm hoping I will be under 200 pounds by then. I went running this morning. Oh man did it feel good this morning. When I say "run" I don't mean "RUN." You could probably walk faster than I run. I probably look like someone in slow motion. Ha!
It just feels better on my legs. I try to walk but I always end up in a run.
So I figured a little more motivation would be to sign up for a 5K. You don't have to run it..you can walk it. I completely intend to canter along and walk most of it. Its just that I actually signed up.
My scale tells me I'm down 3 more lbs from weigh in last Thursday. But you never know what the scale will say this Thursday at the Doctors! I hoping for one more pound. That would be ideal.
No one has really noticed yet. I mean 13 lbs is a lot..but when you are already heavy there isn't much of a difference. I'm thinking that next week people will notice. I don't know why its important for me to get noticed...oh that is such bullshit. Of course I do! It feels so good. It is so encouraging. It is a confirmation that I'm working hard and its working!!!!
I've had an epiphany while walking. Something having to do with my "fine wine" analogy. I'm a fine wine. I'm a fine wine.
Till next time!
It just feels better on my legs. I try to walk but I always end up in a run.
So I figured a little more motivation would be to sign up for a 5K. You don't have to run it..you can walk it. I completely intend to canter along and walk most of it. Its just that I actually signed up.
My scale tells me I'm down 3 more lbs from weigh in last Thursday. But you never know what the scale will say this Thursday at the Doctors! I hoping for one more pound. That would be ideal.
No one has really noticed yet. I mean 13 lbs is a lot..but when you are already heavy there isn't much of a difference. I'm thinking that next week people will notice. I don't know why its important for me to get noticed...oh that is such bullshit. Of course I do! It feels so good. It is so encouraging. It is a confirmation that I'm working hard and its working!!!!
I've had an epiphany while walking. Something having to do with my "fine wine" analogy. I'm a fine wine. I'm a fine wine.
Till next time!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Day 18 - Liquid Fast - WTF?????????
Ok, I'm freaking out! Freaking the *&%$ out!! I'm drinking my morning coffee. I've looked at all the typical morning sites. I'm drumming my fingers trying to figure out what else to surf to burn a little more time before I go for my walk. So, why not type in "What is the percentage of people who diet that are able to keep off the weight." Sure! Why not google that? It must return something encouraging. Right?
WRONG! Big, fat, UGLY WROOOONG! It says 95% of people regain the weight. To make matter worse I stumble across this horrific they should keep it to themselves link. healthread.net/why-dieters-regain-liebel.htm
Now what?? Gastro bypass surgery? Um..no. I can't help but ask myself "WHAT IS THE POINT?" Why am I working so friggin' hard to achieve something that I'm not going to be able to keep? Its like busting your butt to raise enough money to buy a car. You buy it and then you can't keep it. Would you bother to raise the money? If you would then I think you should just give all of your money to me. Cause I'd find something better to do with it. I mean..C'mon!
Ok...so I'm going to draw back upon something that was incredibly motivating for me as a child. I grew up in a single parent home. Well, not really I had a a step-father here or there. One of those men told me that I would amount to nothing. That because I come from a broken home and have suffered abuse from none other than he who should not be named, that my destiny was already predetermined. Statics said that I wouldn't be successful in my life. I have never been more determined to prove those statics wrong. I had dreams! I had goals! How could a number categorize me in a lump with a bunch of other people? That was always in my mind when I blazed through high school and then again through college. I graduated. I became a very young director of a non-profit organization. I accomplished what they said could not be done. So EX step-father wherever you maybe....kiss my ass. Sit in your nasty sweatpants and kiss my ass. On second thought don't come anywhere near my ass. Oh and...my sister..ya know the other one that would make nothing of herself? She has her own wildly successful wine distribution company. SUCCESS #2. You on the other hand are going through your 4th unsuccessful marriage. No matter what you said or did you didn't come even remotely close to ruining my life. I hope that bounces around in your tiny brain for years to come. You were wrong.
Ok...moving on. So, in order to become the very rare 5% we have to draw from something very personal. Something special. A gift that someone may have given you that you didn't realize was a gift at all. For me verbal abuse! Is it not enough to simply want to be in that 5%. You must have something so motivating that it motivates you through all the bullshit.
Yes, I admit its kind of twisted. But isn't the best revenge just being successful? Too many people repeat in their heads those inner recordings. Those despicable people that obviously hated themselves trying to bring us down with them. We listen to it in our heads over and over and over and again whether we realize it or not. The damage they did years ago is still doing damage now. STOP IT! FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP. Stop letting them rule your life. Stop giving them the power. THAT IS ENOUGH. Use it to drive you to your destination. Use it to push you through the hard times. Use it to make yourself better. Again like I said in my previous blog entry. You are a FINE FINE wine. Not many of get the opportunity to struggle. I said it, opportunity. There is no other way to look at it. Its ok. Love it. Learn from it. Move on. Enough is enough.
Let's not let numbers or statistics dictate our lives. For once lets be in charge of our own dam lives!! I will be in that 5%. I will get to my goal weight and I will love myself enough to stay there. I know it will not be easy. But being overweight hasn't been easy either. So I can choose. It is my choice. I will be thin and fight to stay there or I will be heavy and fight to stay alive. Yeah...I know...me too. Let's do it!
WRONG! Big, fat, UGLY WROOOONG! It says 95% of people regain the weight. To make matter worse I stumble across this horrific they should keep it to themselves link. healthread.net/why-dieters-regain-liebel.htm
Now what?? Gastro bypass surgery? Um..no. I can't help but ask myself "WHAT IS THE POINT?" Why am I working so friggin' hard to achieve something that I'm not going to be able to keep? Its like busting your butt to raise enough money to buy a car. You buy it and then you can't keep it. Would you bother to raise the money? If you would then I think you should just give all of your money to me. Cause I'd find something better to do with it. I mean..C'mon!
Ok...so I'm going to draw back upon something that was incredibly motivating for me as a child. I grew up in a single parent home. Well, not really I had a a step-father here or there. One of those men told me that I would amount to nothing. That because I come from a broken home and have suffered abuse from none other than he who should not be named, that my destiny was already predetermined. Statics said that I wouldn't be successful in my life. I have never been more determined to prove those statics wrong. I had dreams! I had goals! How could a number categorize me in a lump with a bunch of other people? That was always in my mind when I blazed through high school and then again through college. I graduated. I became a very young director of a non-profit organization. I accomplished what they said could not be done. So EX step-father wherever you maybe....kiss my ass. Sit in your nasty sweatpants and kiss my ass. On second thought don't come anywhere near my ass. Oh and...my sister..ya know the other one that would make nothing of herself? She has her own wildly successful wine distribution company. SUCCESS #2. You on the other hand are going through your 4th unsuccessful marriage. No matter what you said or did you didn't come even remotely close to ruining my life. I hope that bounces around in your tiny brain for years to come. You were wrong.
Ok...moving on. So, in order to become the very rare 5% we have to draw from something very personal. Something special. A gift that someone may have given you that you didn't realize was a gift at all. For me verbal abuse! Is it not enough to simply want to be in that 5%. You must have something so motivating that it motivates you through all the bullshit.
Yes, I admit its kind of twisted. But isn't the best revenge just being successful? Too many people repeat in their heads those inner recordings. Those despicable people that obviously hated themselves trying to bring us down with them. We listen to it in our heads over and over and over and again whether we realize it or not. The damage they did years ago is still doing damage now. STOP IT! FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP. Stop letting them rule your life. Stop giving them the power. THAT IS ENOUGH. Use it to drive you to your destination. Use it to push you through the hard times. Use it to make yourself better. Again like I said in my previous blog entry. You are a FINE FINE wine. Not many of get the opportunity to struggle. I said it, opportunity. There is no other way to look at it. Its ok. Love it. Learn from it. Move on. Enough is enough.
Let's not let numbers or statistics dictate our lives. For once lets be in charge of our own dam lives!! I will be in that 5%. I will get to my goal weight and I will love myself enough to stay there. I know it will not be easy. But being overweight hasn't been easy either. So I can choose. It is my choice. I will be thin and fight to stay there or I will be heavy and fight to stay alive. Yeah...I know...me too. Let's do it!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Day 16 - Find it, Acknowledge It, Let It Go
A very dear friend of mine lost 100 pounds doing the HealthFast program at the Concord Hospital. For those of you just tuning in the HealthFast is the HMR program. Just with a different name. She gained back all of her weight.
I have spoken to her many times about this. The commitment to do the HealthFast is almost 2 years long. She lost her weight in 10 months. Then she left the program. She didn't go through with the transition period and therefore never did the maintenance. She does admit to that being part of the problem. But she also says the program has missed a big component. The psychological aspect of overeating. Why do we do what we do? Is it because we are hungry? It is because we have pain? A void that we are trying to fill? What is it?
Having eaten nothing but shakes for 15 days now, I'm a little bit clearer on this. I believe that I know why I eat. I certainly eat when I'm hungry. I choose poorly because I wait until I'm so hungry I could gnaw off my own limbs. Sometimes I'm shaking I'm so hungry. Then I get in my car and go straight to McDonalds. Get a #3 with a diet coke and fill my stomach. Mickey D's sits in my stomach like a lead weight for awhile. I don't have to eat again. I do like the taste of the #3. I like the fries and the diet coke together. Yum. Just thinking about it make my mouth water. I feel in control. I know that my husband doesn't want me to go to McDonalds. I know he will be disgusted if he finds out. So, usually I disguise my food run as a trip to the bank to make deposits or going to the post office. Or making a delivery. (My husband and I own a printing & promotions company.) I then gorge myself and return to the office as if nothing happened. I'm almost certain that he knows what I've done anyway but doesn't say anything...most times. When he does ask, its a 50-50 chance of what I will say. I might lie to him and say I didn't go. Or, I might boldly say that I went and challenge him with how I answer him to dare say anything. I might rip his head off.
I feel in control when I eat what I want. I feel like I'm getting away with something. I feel like I'm on my own little vacation and I get to eat and do whatever I want. Sadly when I'm on these mini-vacations into self-destruction it involves finding something to eat and sitting in front of the TV. Or on our bed with the laptop on my lap, the TV on and something to eat. I feel like I deserve it. I feel like I'm supporting myself and spoiling myself. That I'm taking care of myself. When I go on a sales call or a delivery, stopping at Dunkin' Donuts or Burger King is a must. It is a treat a way to feel good about having to do it. A way to pass the time.
So, I believe I've found "it." I've found that eating a lot and poorly is a way that I show myself love. Eating what I want when no one knows is a way for me to feel in control of my life. Now the next step is to recognize that. Recognize that when I'm feeling like I need to go and stuff myself or I deserve my mini vacations its that I'm feeling out of control and unloved. No matter how much food I eat it will never make me feel in control. It will never make me feel loved. I've got address the matter directly. Why am I feeling unloved? What happened today that made me feel that way. Why am I feeling out of control.
Let it go! Its ok to feel out of control sometimes. I don't always have to be in control of everything. Eating is certainly NOT the way to gain control. It is exactly opposite. I'm out of control. I'm putting fat and calories into my blood stream. Into my precious body that deserves my love. I'm not loving myself by eating myself to death. I'm slowly killing myself. Just like a smoker puffing away on their cigarettes. Each one cutting their life shorter by minutes. Each greasy burger, piece of chocolate cake, or bag of chips that I consume it cutting my life shorter. Stacking my poor veins full of triglycerides. Causing my heart to work harder to keep the blood going to my brain to my limbs, to my vital organs. I will be a lot more in control if I eat better, choose better foods. Allow my body the water it needs, instead of the chemical infused diet cokes. I will function better. My eyesight will be better. My thinking will be clearer. I will be control. The addiction, the food will NOT be in control. It has been fooling me all along telling me that I was in control. It has been lieing to me. It is not a friend. It is an enemy. It is the type of friend that has been convincing you that skipping work to hang out is ok. Or that going out drinking every night is a right of passage. They are not friends. They are not real friends! Let them go. Let it Go!
Now, I've discovered it. I've acknowledged it. I'm letting it go. Of course I will need to practice fighting off my fake friends when I'm back to eating again. Its easy to quiet them down now...with so much eating structure. I know I will have to face them dead on..confront them...and not answer their calls. It will be a battle. No doubt. But, I know this. I have many months to prepare for this. I will not get heavy again. I'm working to hard right now. I will remember this journey always.
I also realize that my control issues and my lack of feeling loved stems from something. Some Dr. Freudian childhood issue. I have no desire to go digging into my childhood to have a "breakthrough." I cannot erase what has happened in my life. I can accept it. I can accept whatever it is. This is MY life. It is what it is. Unless someone has recently invented a time machine, or found some worm hole than there is nothing I can do to change what happened. I'm not going to sit around and cry about it or dwell on it. Talk about a waste of time. I'm going to love myself. I'm going to love the journey that has taken me to where I am. I'm going to love the blessings that I have received and not hold onto the the ones that I didn't. We are all on journeys. These are our own personal journeys. Love the journey. Love the good with the bad. The ying and the yang. Life is about balance. Its about struggle. I believe that a person is like a fine wine. The harder the vine has struggled the more complex and delicious the wine. I have struggled and I am an amazing person because of it. I know many people that have lived a "Beaver Cleaver" existence. Man, are they boring or what? They are a cheap white Zinfandel. They make look like a fine wine. We make think that is the life we wished we had or want to have. Don't be fooled people! They are a box wine that someone poured into a nice bottle. Fakes. Life is about experience. Good, bad and ugly. Balance. Ying & yang. Its ok to have struggled. Its ok to have gone through some really awful stuff. You are alive. Your heart is beating, your lungs filling with air. You are ALIVE! Your experience is yours, your journey is yours and it makes you who you are and where you will go. Celebrate! You are a fine wine.
I have spoken to her many times about this. The commitment to do the HealthFast is almost 2 years long. She lost her weight in 10 months. Then she left the program. She didn't go through with the transition period and therefore never did the maintenance. She does admit to that being part of the problem. But she also says the program has missed a big component. The psychological aspect of overeating. Why do we do what we do? Is it because we are hungry? It is because we have pain? A void that we are trying to fill? What is it?
Having eaten nothing but shakes for 15 days now, I'm a little bit clearer on this. I believe that I know why I eat. I certainly eat when I'm hungry. I choose poorly because I wait until I'm so hungry I could gnaw off my own limbs. Sometimes I'm shaking I'm so hungry. Then I get in my car and go straight to McDonalds. Get a #3 with a diet coke and fill my stomach. Mickey D's sits in my stomach like a lead weight for awhile. I don't have to eat again. I do like the taste of the #3. I like the fries and the diet coke together. Yum. Just thinking about it make my mouth water. I feel in control. I know that my husband doesn't want me to go to McDonalds. I know he will be disgusted if he finds out. So, usually I disguise my food run as a trip to the bank to make deposits or going to the post office. Or making a delivery. (My husband and I own a printing & promotions company.) I then gorge myself and return to the office as if nothing happened. I'm almost certain that he knows what I've done anyway but doesn't say anything...most times. When he does ask, its a 50-50 chance of what I will say. I might lie to him and say I didn't go. Or, I might boldly say that I went and challenge him with how I answer him to dare say anything. I might rip his head off.
I feel in control when I eat what I want. I feel like I'm getting away with something. I feel like I'm on my own little vacation and I get to eat and do whatever I want. Sadly when I'm on these mini-vacations into self-destruction it involves finding something to eat and sitting in front of the TV. Or on our bed with the laptop on my lap, the TV on and something to eat. I feel like I deserve it. I feel like I'm supporting myself and spoiling myself. That I'm taking care of myself. When I go on a sales call or a delivery, stopping at Dunkin' Donuts or Burger King is a must. It is a treat a way to feel good about having to do it. A way to pass the time.
So, I believe I've found "it." I've found that eating a lot and poorly is a way that I show myself love. Eating what I want when no one knows is a way for me to feel in control of my life. Now the next step is to recognize that. Recognize that when I'm feeling like I need to go and stuff myself or I deserve my mini vacations its that I'm feeling out of control and unloved. No matter how much food I eat it will never make me feel in control. It will never make me feel loved. I've got address the matter directly. Why am I feeling unloved? What happened today that made me feel that way. Why am I feeling out of control.
Let it go! Its ok to feel out of control sometimes. I don't always have to be in control of everything. Eating is certainly NOT the way to gain control. It is exactly opposite. I'm out of control. I'm putting fat and calories into my blood stream. Into my precious body that deserves my love. I'm not loving myself by eating myself to death. I'm slowly killing myself. Just like a smoker puffing away on their cigarettes. Each one cutting their life shorter by minutes. Each greasy burger, piece of chocolate cake, or bag of chips that I consume it cutting my life shorter. Stacking my poor veins full of triglycerides. Causing my heart to work harder to keep the blood going to my brain to my limbs, to my vital organs. I will be a lot more in control if I eat better, choose better foods. Allow my body the water it needs, instead of the chemical infused diet cokes. I will function better. My eyesight will be better. My thinking will be clearer. I will be control. The addiction, the food will NOT be in control. It has been fooling me all along telling me that I was in control. It has been lieing to me. It is not a friend. It is an enemy. It is the type of friend that has been convincing you that skipping work to hang out is ok. Or that going out drinking every night is a right of passage. They are not friends. They are not real friends! Let them go. Let it Go!
Now, I've discovered it. I've acknowledged it. I'm letting it go. Of course I will need to practice fighting off my fake friends when I'm back to eating again. Its easy to quiet them down now...with so much eating structure. I know I will have to face them dead on..confront them...and not answer their calls. It will be a battle. No doubt. But, I know this. I have many months to prepare for this. I will not get heavy again. I'm working to hard right now. I will remember this journey always.
I also realize that my control issues and my lack of feeling loved stems from something. Some Dr. Freudian childhood issue. I have no desire to go digging into my childhood to have a "breakthrough." I cannot erase what has happened in my life. I can accept it. I can accept whatever it is. This is MY life. It is what it is. Unless someone has recently invented a time machine, or found some worm hole than there is nothing I can do to change what happened. I'm not going to sit around and cry about it or dwell on it. Talk about a waste of time. I'm going to love myself. I'm going to love the journey that has taken me to where I am. I'm going to love the blessings that I have received and not hold onto the the ones that I didn't. We are all on journeys. These are our own personal journeys. Love the journey. Love the good with the bad. The ying and the yang. Life is about balance. Its about struggle. I believe that a person is like a fine wine. The harder the vine has struggled the more complex and delicious the wine. I have struggled and I am an amazing person because of it. I know many people that have lived a "Beaver Cleaver" existence. Man, are they boring or what? They are a cheap white Zinfandel. They make look like a fine wine. We make think that is the life we wished we had or want to have. Don't be fooled people! They are a box wine that someone poured into a nice bottle. Fakes. Life is about experience. Good, bad and ugly. Balance. Ying & yang. Its ok to have struggled. Its ok to have gone through some really awful stuff. You are alive. Your heart is beating, your lungs filling with air. You are ALIVE! Your experience is yours, your journey is yours and it makes you who you are and where you will go. Celebrate! You are a fine wine.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Liquid Fast - Day 14
The big weigh in tonight! So...dramatic drum roll pahhhleaase. 4 lbs. I have lost a total of 10 pounds in 2 weeks. I have to say, and many of you will probably kick me, that I thought I would lose more. I guess because I lost 6 the first week. I know! I know! The first week it always comes off quickly. Can't for once something special happen for me? Can I not have a text book weightloss? Can I not have a text book something??
Ok..I'm done being a baby. Tonight in class we did some toning with weights. I thought at first that it would be simple. Not! I was huffing and puffing along with the rest of them. I'm so out of shape! Its ridiculous.
So I was 227 I'm now 216.
Can I lose another 4 lbs next week? I've got it all mapped out in my head when I should be 160 lbs. I wish it was that predictable. I asked all the ladies in my class tonight if you could pretty much rely on losing the same amount every week. They laughed at me like I had boobs on my head. Was that really a dumb question?
Over & Out!!
Ok..I'm done being a baby. Tonight in class we did some toning with weights. I thought at first that it would be simple. Not! I was huffing and puffing along with the rest of them. I'm so out of shape! Its ridiculous.
So I was 227 I'm now 216.
Can I lose another 4 lbs next week? I've got it all mapped out in my head when I should be 160 lbs. I wish it was that predictable. I asked all the ladies in my class tonight if you could pretty much rely on losing the same amount every week. They laughed at me like I had boobs on my head. Was that really a dumb question?
Over & Out!!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Liquid Fast - Day 13
At my last weigh in I lost 6.5 lbs. Not bad for one week.
So I'm now 220.7. I go in for my second week weigh in tomorrow.
I think the biggest side effect right now is that I'm so tired at night. Around 5:30 I'm just done.
I've been walking my buns off in the morning. Walking 4 miles 5 days a week.
My thought is that I'm going to do this and get off of it as soon as I can. So LOSE LOSE LOSE!
I'll let you know my results tomorrow night!
So I'm now 220.7. I go in for my second week weigh in tomorrow.
I think the biggest side effect right now is that I'm so tired at night. Around 5:30 I'm just done.
I've been walking my buns off in the morning. Walking 4 miles 5 days a week.
My thought is that I'm going to do this and get off of it as soon as I can. So LOSE LOSE LOSE!
I'll let you know my results tomorrow night!
Friday, August 6, 2010
Liquid Fast - Day 7
Today has been the hardest hands down. My husband made this killer smelling crock pot dream come true and I cannot have it. The smell is dancing around the house like a bunch of Americans at a Hawaiin Luau. Ohh..I wish I could have it.
I've been tired, hungry and significantly more moody than normal. Is that possible?
I had the chicken soup last night. Not sure I would call it soup. Maybe more like foam. It satisfied some deep lingering desire to eat something hot. But that was about it. I'm not quitting. I'm not giving up. I've been an entire week! 23 more weeks to go damn it before I reach my goal weight!!
I did get my exercise in. 4 miles of walking. I'm trying to do that every single day.
I've been tired, hungry and significantly more moody than normal. Is that possible?
I had the chicken soup last night. Not sure I would call it soup. Maybe more like foam. It satisfied some deep lingering desire to eat something hot. But that was about it. I'm not quitting. I'm not giving up. I've been an entire week! 23 more weeks to go damn it before I reach my goal weight!!
I did get my exercise in. 4 miles of walking. I'm trying to do that every single day.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Liquid Fast - Day Five
Its getting easier! I have energy. I'm in a good mood. Feels great. Trying to fit in the exercise is the hardest part. Vitamins still make me woozy. It takes about 5 minutes for the woozyness to subside.
I know I've dropped weight. I can feel it in my clothes. Its sooo exciting!!!
I know I've dropped weight. I can feel it in my clothes. Its sooo exciting!!!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Liquid Fast - Day Five
This is the first morning that I woke up and felt good. I didn't need any sleep meds last night. I woke up and I didn't feel tired. Its been a LONG time since that has happen. Being overweight I battle fatigue on a consistant basis.
I did end up riding my bike for 1/2 hr. yesterday evening. So I did get some exercise in. Not the recommended hour I'm supposed to..but at least it was something.
I'm going up to Steele Hill tonight. I will use their equipment to get in a solid hour. Then I'll sit in the hot tub. Bliss!
So, I feel like I've dropped now. I'm not telling what my scale says. Wait till the official weigh in on Thursday evening to find out how this is working for me.
Drinking tons of water. Not going to the bathroom as much. How does that work exactly? I started drinking the water and my body was flushing it out like crazy. Now that I'm drinking even more water I seem to be keeping it in..or my body is giving it the organs I've been depriving of it for so long. Not sure...anyone out there have an ideas?
Its not as tough as you think it is to see someone else eating. If you really start to think about it then it begins to bother you. My stomach starts growling like its hungry. But if I keep my focus, try to maintain a decent conversation, or think of something else it helps. I just keep imagining the end result. I'm gonna look GOOD! I deserve it. I've been ruining myself for way to long.
If you really start to think about what you are doing to your body when you over eat it will make you sick. Putting fat into your blood stream. So much fat that it starts to clog the veins...heart disease, stroke, heart attack, diabetes. I think my body is starting to reward me with less fatigue. It feels good!
I did end up riding my bike for 1/2 hr. yesterday evening. So I did get some exercise in. Not the recommended hour I'm supposed to..but at least it was something.
I'm going up to Steele Hill tonight. I will use their equipment to get in a solid hour. Then I'll sit in the hot tub. Bliss!
So, I feel like I've dropped now. I'm not telling what my scale says. Wait till the official weigh in on Thursday evening to find out how this is working for me.
Drinking tons of water. Not going to the bathroom as much. How does that work exactly? I started drinking the water and my body was flushing it out like crazy. Now that I'm drinking even more water I seem to be keeping it in..or my body is giving it the organs I've been depriving of it for so long. Not sure...anyone out there have an ideas?
Its not as tough as you think it is to see someone else eating. If you really start to think about it then it begins to bother you. My stomach starts growling like its hungry. But if I keep my focus, try to maintain a decent conversation, or think of something else it helps. I just keep imagining the end result. I'm gonna look GOOD! I deserve it. I've been ruining myself for way to long.
If you really start to think about what you are doing to your body when you over eat it will make you sick. Putting fat into your blood stream. So much fat that it starts to clog the veins...heart disease, stroke, heart attack, diabetes. I think my body is starting to reward me with less fatigue. It feels good!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Liquid Fast - Day Three
Tired...so tired! I have done well. Haven't cheated. Haven't really wanted to cheat badly enough that it was painful. Have made some wacky combinations with the shake recipies they gave me to keep it interesting. Finding it hard to drink all the water that I'm supposed to drink.
I have a lot of fatigue today. I could just lay in bed and sleep. But with 2 kids and a husband, sleep doesn't come easily. I haven't gotten my exercise in today. I don't think I'm going to. I'm beat.
Still going to the bathroom a lot. All the water and liquid shakes!
I have a lot of fatigue today. I could just lay in bed and sleep. But with 2 kids and a husband, sleep doesn't come easily. I haven't gotten my exercise in today. I don't think I'm going to. I'm beat.
Still going to the bathroom a lot. All the water and liquid shakes!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Liquid Fast - Day 2
The battery on my computer is going to die. I'll have to make this quick.
Walked for 1 hour today. Still dragging. Went to a friends house and didn't bring my shakes. Figured I wouldn't be there long. I ended up staying for 4 hours. Thank god, my friend did the program once and had some shakes to give me.
Drank 4.5 shakes today. Spiced it up with butterscotch pudding!! Will write more later.
Walked for 1 hour today. Still dragging. Went to a friends house and didn't bring my shakes. Figured I wouldn't be there long. I ended up staying for 4 hours. Thank god, my friend did the program once and had some shakes to give me.
Drank 4.5 shakes today. Spiced it up with butterscotch pudding!! Will write more later.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Liquid Fast - Day One
Day one of the Doctor supervised liquid fast is drawing to a close. I found it to be easy to do while at work. The minute I went to get the kids around 3:30 it started to get hard. It has been a battle of the wills all night. The naughty me that wants to eat the left over chinese food in the fridge. Just start pouring it into my mouth. I want to eat the french fries left over on my daughters plate!!
They say it will get better...it will get easier. The first 4 or 5 days is the hardest. Its not as easy as I thought it was going to be. Is any diet? This one however is 800 calories a day!!!
My stinkin' blender broke!! You must have a blender or the shakes are lumpy. It is much better to have a blender. The shakes are smooth and creamy if they are in the blender. Yesterday at the meeting with the 3 amigos they gave me a ton of recipes that I can do with the shakes to try and spice it up. There is also a chicken soup that I can have. I didn't buy that...figured I would dive in and have just the shakes. When I lose the first 20lbs, I will reward myself by getting the chicken soup. What a reward huh?
I have to have a bunch more blood work. My thyroid, my blood sugar. The EKG machine broke down while they were testing my heart. Figures...seems to be a trend starting. Something doesn't want me to do this fast. It is challenging me. Well, just so you know. I will win. So kiss my gigantic rump.
So, once you drink the shakes you really do not feel hungry. They recommend that you drink 2 quarts of water a day. So that helps as well. I'm trotting to the bathroom so many times I'm starting to carve a trail in the rug from my desk to the bathroom. Imagine what that will look like after I lose the 70lbs!!
There are also vitamins that come with the shakes. They are not as big as many vitamins that I've taken and not as small as others. I have to drink lots of water with the vitamins as they make me feel sick to my stomach. That has been typical for me all of my life with vitamins. I'm not sure what is in it to do that but they always have.
I have to drink 5 shakes a day. I can have more if I'm hungry. It is 8:22 and I just drank my last shake. I tried to have one at 8:30 then again 11:30 then again and 3:30 then again 6:30 and then again right before I go to bed. 1 shake every 3 hours so that my metabolism stays up.
I'm also supposed to burn 2500 calories doing exercise a week. They said not to go hog wild and do that in the beginning. You will not find me trying to be a super star and hitting that target for awhile. I think it is enough that I'm consuming 800 calories a day! Forget getting out and moving.
So that is it. Day One Down! Day Two coming up.
They say it will get better...it will get easier. The first 4 or 5 days is the hardest. Its not as easy as I thought it was going to be. Is any diet? This one however is 800 calories a day!!!
My stinkin' blender broke!! You must have a blender or the shakes are lumpy. It is much better to have a blender. The shakes are smooth and creamy if they are in the blender. Yesterday at the meeting with the 3 amigos they gave me a ton of recipes that I can do with the shakes to try and spice it up. There is also a chicken soup that I can have. I didn't buy that...figured I would dive in and have just the shakes. When I lose the first 20lbs, I will reward myself by getting the chicken soup. What a reward huh?
I have to have a bunch more blood work. My thyroid, my blood sugar. The EKG machine broke down while they were testing my heart. Figures...seems to be a trend starting. Something doesn't want me to do this fast. It is challenging me. Well, just so you know. I will win. So kiss my gigantic rump.
So, once you drink the shakes you really do not feel hungry. They recommend that you drink 2 quarts of water a day. So that helps as well. I'm trotting to the bathroom so many times I'm starting to carve a trail in the rug from my desk to the bathroom. Imagine what that will look like after I lose the 70lbs!!
There are also vitamins that come with the shakes. They are not as big as many vitamins that I've taken and not as small as others. I have to drink lots of water with the vitamins as they make me feel sick to my stomach. That has been typical for me all of my life with vitamins. I'm not sure what is in it to do that but they always have.
I have to drink 5 shakes a day. I can have more if I'm hungry. It is 8:22 and I just drank my last shake. I tried to have one at 8:30 then again 11:30 then again and 3:30 then again 6:30 and then again right before I go to bed. 1 shake every 3 hours so that my metabolism stays up.
I'm also supposed to burn 2500 calories doing exercise a week. They said not to go hog wild and do that in the beginning. You will not find me trying to be a super star and hitting that target for awhile. I think it is enough that I'm consuming 800 calories a day! Forget getting out and moving.
So that is it. Day One Down! Day Two coming up.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
2 days of food left!
I start the HMR, medically supervised liquid fast on August 30. The program I'm participating in is called "Healthfast" through the Concord Hospital, in Concord NH.
I have 2 days of food left until I'm on liquids for awhile. Possibly 6 months or more!
I gave it a dry run last week so that I could wrap my head around what I would be doing. I've been nervous that I would be hungry, or craving food while I'm in the program. I have to say that I wasn't. It wasn't as difficult as I had imagined. I drank clear coffee in the morning. No cream, no sugar. BLACK! That is hard as I've always drowned out the coffee taste with french vanilla cream and splenda. I'm not sure if I will be allowed to drink coffee at all.
The shakes are dreadful if you don't blend them up. Putting the powder in the water and attempting to "stir" it in is a nightmare. I used the the magic bullet and it was nice and creamy and so much better. I even blended in a little coffee in the morning shake. Not sure if that will be allowed or not..but it was good. After my dry run I didn't want to go back to eating like a pig. I wanted to stick with it, but I'm also nervous that I won't weigh in enough when I go for the induction to the program tomorrow afternoon. I'm borderline as is. You must have a BMI of 34 or higher. Mine is 34.
I also had a little wake up call after having my blood drawn last week. I'm on a medication called "claravis" for acne. Yup, I'm a fattie and I have acne. I have to have my blood drawn once a month to check a bunch of different thing. After 3 previous draws my levels had been drawn. I finally go up to my permanent dose of claravis and my triglicerides go way up. In the beginning the Doctor told me that this medicine might uncover underlying issues. That it may bring issues that are looming to the fore front. Being obese it seems a natural that my tris would show up. So, if I don't bring my tris down by my next draw they will lower my meds. I don't want that to happen!! My skin is looking great! I'm hoping with the weightloss that it will start to look even better.
So, I have a little motivation to also lose the weight. I'm ready. After my high tris I have been much more conscious of what I put into my mouth. It is hard to imagine extra fat being pumped through my blood stream and into my heart and veins. I'm doing that to myself. It turns my stomach.
I'm in Vegas right now! Surrounded by delicous food everywhere I turn. It has been difficult to turn the other cheek. I haven't been successful a couple of times. But I didn't feel really good after I ate that high fat crap. I had the buffet at the Rio yesterday. I felt like crap all day afterwards. Not worth it. I had fruit and soup from whole foods last night for dinner. My body thanked me for that and I slept great last night without taking sleeping meds.
I'm anxious to get home. I miss my family. It has been really nice to sleep in this gorgeous bed and take tubs in the gigantic tub. I'm ready to get home to my grubby little house and business. My crazy little kiddos and my husband. I'm ready to start the next chapter in my life. I'm really ready. I know it will not be easy. I know that eating is not the only problem that I have. I stuff myself for other reasons and I'm ready to figure out why. I want to get healthy. I'm not healthy.
Two Days left till I start my transformation. I'm excited and nervous. I have tried so many different diets and failed. I don't want to fail again.
Tomorrow night I meet with the three amigos. I'll report in after that.
I have 2 days of food left until I'm on liquids for awhile. Possibly 6 months or more!
I gave it a dry run last week so that I could wrap my head around what I would be doing. I've been nervous that I would be hungry, or craving food while I'm in the program. I have to say that I wasn't. It wasn't as difficult as I had imagined. I drank clear coffee in the morning. No cream, no sugar. BLACK! That is hard as I've always drowned out the coffee taste with french vanilla cream and splenda. I'm not sure if I will be allowed to drink coffee at all.
The shakes are dreadful if you don't blend them up. Putting the powder in the water and attempting to "stir" it in is a nightmare. I used the the magic bullet and it was nice and creamy and so much better. I even blended in a little coffee in the morning shake. Not sure if that will be allowed or not..but it was good. After my dry run I didn't want to go back to eating like a pig. I wanted to stick with it, but I'm also nervous that I won't weigh in enough when I go for the induction to the program tomorrow afternoon. I'm borderline as is. You must have a BMI of 34 or higher. Mine is 34.
I also had a little wake up call after having my blood drawn last week. I'm on a medication called "claravis" for acne. Yup, I'm a fattie and I have acne. I have to have my blood drawn once a month to check a bunch of different thing. After 3 previous draws my levels had been drawn. I finally go up to my permanent dose of claravis and my triglicerides go way up. In the beginning the Doctor told me that this medicine might uncover underlying issues. That it may bring issues that are looming to the fore front. Being obese it seems a natural that my tris would show up. So, if I don't bring my tris down by my next draw they will lower my meds. I don't want that to happen!! My skin is looking great! I'm hoping with the weightloss that it will start to look even better.
So, I have a little motivation to also lose the weight. I'm ready. After my high tris I have been much more conscious of what I put into my mouth. It is hard to imagine extra fat being pumped through my blood stream and into my heart and veins. I'm doing that to myself. It turns my stomach.
I'm in Vegas right now! Surrounded by delicous food everywhere I turn. It has been difficult to turn the other cheek. I haven't been successful a couple of times. But I didn't feel really good after I ate that high fat crap. I had the buffet at the Rio yesterday. I felt like crap all day afterwards. Not worth it. I had fruit and soup from whole foods last night for dinner. My body thanked me for that and I slept great last night without taking sleeping meds.
I'm anxious to get home. I miss my family. It has been really nice to sleep in this gorgeous bed and take tubs in the gigantic tub. I'm ready to get home to my grubby little house and business. My crazy little kiddos and my husband. I'm ready to start the next chapter in my life. I'm really ready. I know it will not be easy. I know that eating is not the only problem that I have. I stuff myself for other reasons and I'm ready to figure out why. I want to get healthy. I'm not healthy.
Two Days left till I start my transformation. I'm excited and nervous. I have tried so many different diets and failed. I don't want to fail again.
Tomorrow night I meet with the three amigos. I'll report in after that.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Amping Up
6 months. When it comes to Christmas or Birthdays or even a vacation, 6 months comes along so friggin' fast. I mean, I'm not ready for Christmas. Unless you are the worlds most organized person or you are regifting what you got last year, then YOU are not ready for Christmas either. You, like most us (ME) will not get ready for Christmas until a couple of weeks before. I won't go out on "BLACK FRIDAY" because I don't think waiting in line for 2 hours for $25 off is worth it. Maybe if it is $100 off. I have a hard time with self-inflicted torture. I consider lines and seas of people torture.
So, 6 months is what I'm going to attempt. I've tried weight watchers, atkins, the GI diet, the cabbage soup diet, the south beach diet. This time I'm going balls to the walls. I'm doing the liquid fast. Medically supervised. I have a team of people I meet with once a week. A nutristionist, a medical Dr., and food addiction counselor. I'm going to give it 6 months.
For this fast I have to have a physical and blood work done. So I've had to the opportunity to really think about it. My physical is not until July 8th. My blood work is done. Once I get my blood work done then the 3 amigos will meet with me and I will begin.
The shake that I'm going to be drinking is the HMR-800. It is going to be about 830 calories. It comes in vanilla and chocolate. I've tried both. Neither of them make me scream for more. I'm imagining that after a week or so of strict discipline and comsumption of these shakes that I will start to crave them. Like anything...I've gone off of diet soda and only drank water. After a week I really wanted to have water and not the soda.
Why am I doing this? Because I do the best when I have the least amount of options. Choosing between vanilla and chocolate is pretty limiting. I do not cook. Half of my problem is that I wait to eat until I'm so hungry I will eat anything in my path. There isin't an inbetween for me. I don't really eat until I'm in need of something and something fast. Since I don't cook and never will, I have to grab something quick. Look, I know you are proably thinking these are excuses. I know myself. I know what I will do and what I won't do. I've tried the diets that require all of this cooking to eat healthy. I won't do it. I do not like to cook. Nothing anyone can do will convince me to like to cook. I don't like it. I don't want to cook at all.
How will I, if successful, keep the weight off. I don't know. How would I with any other diet?
I'm banking on the 3 amigos. I'm banking on their support and knowledge of helping the porky become thin. They have helped hundreds of people lose weight. I do not suspect that I'm much different than anyone else they have encountered. I do not pretend to be some specialty case.
Here are my stats. 5'7 female. 33 years old. 228 pounds.
I can walk. I enjoy walking. I will even jog a bit when feeling inspired. I lack the motivation. I need to see quick results. So, I'm giving it 6 months and I'm amping up to start this diet next week. I'm not sure which day...but one of them will be the last day I have solid food for 6 months.
So, 6 months is what I'm going to attempt. I've tried weight watchers, atkins, the GI diet, the cabbage soup diet, the south beach diet. This time I'm going balls to the walls. I'm doing the liquid fast. Medically supervised. I have a team of people I meet with once a week. A nutristionist, a medical Dr., and food addiction counselor. I'm going to give it 6 months.
For this fast I have to have a physical and blood work done. So I've had to the opportunity to really think about it. My physical is not until July 8th. My blood work is done. Once I get my blood work done then the 3 amigos will meet with me and I will begin.
The shake that I'm going to be drinking is the HMR-800. It is going to be about 830 calories. It comes in vanilla and chocolate. I've tried both. Neither of them make me scream for more. I'm imagining that after a week or so of strict discipline and comsumption of these shakes that I will start to crave them. Like anything...I've gone off of diet soda and only drank water. After a week I really wanted to have water and not the soda.
Why am I doing this? Because I do the best when I have the least amount of options. Choosing between vanilla and chocolate is pretty limiting. I do not cook. Half of my problem is that I wait to eat until I'm so hungry I will eat anything in my path. There isin't an inbetween for me. I don't really eat until I'm in need of something and something fast. Since I don't cook and never will, I have to grab something quick. Look, I know you are proably thinking these are excuses. I know myself. I know what I will do and what I won't do. I've tried the diets that require all of this cooking to eat healthy. I won't do it. I do not like to cook. Nothing anyone can do will convince me to like to cook. I don't like it. I don't want to cook at all.
How will I, if successful, keep the weight off. I don't know. How would I with any other diet?
I'm banking on the 3 amigos. I'm banking on their support and knowledge of helping the porky become thin. They have helped hundreds of people lose weight. I do not suspect that I'm much different than anyone else they have encountered. I do not pretend to be some specialty case.
Here are my stats. 5'7 female. 33 years old. 228 pounds.
I can walk. I enjoy walking. I will even jog a bit when feeling inspired. I lack the motivation. I need to see quick results. So, I'm giving it 6 months and I'm amping up to start this diet next week. I'm not sure which day...but one of them will be the last day I have solid food for 6 months.
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