I cannot believe that I have been 33 days without food. Well you know..not food food..shakes. I'm amazing you know that? I went to Zumba last night. Holy hips! Man oh man, I have to learn to loosen up a little bit. I was like a tree in a congo line. Pathetic!
I haven't cheated. I feel great! I actually went away to my father's house this past weekend and did really well staying on the plan. It wasn't hard. I thought if I was in a social situation it might trigger me. But it didn't.
Since I've been fasting for 33 days (800 calories a day)...I've been thinking about transision. When might be a good time for to start going back to food? Its a scary scary thought. Imagine giving alcohol to an alcoholic and trying to teach them to live a sober existance. It will be the fight of my life to stay thin. If I lose 20 more lbs in September and then another 20 lbs in October I will be 163 which is 13 lbs to my goal weight. I'm thinking that I would like to go back on food and learn how to lose weight while eating food. Take the extra 13 lbs off that way.
My body is definately changing. I've lost 3 inches off of my chest and 4 inches off of my hips! My clothes are starting to get to big. My bras are starting to be ineffective at holding up my boobs! I really don't want to go out and get new clothes just to have to turn around and get more. So I'm holding strong with all of my fat clothes.
I have a 3 mile run this morning! So I've got to go and get my gear on and drink my coffee.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Day 29 - Back in the saddle - Sweet & Sour
I have not cheated! I have stayed the course. I have lost another 4 lbs. I'm now at a total loss of 20lbs. Not bad for 29 days eh?
But let me tell you...this past week has been tough. I will point the finger at PMS and my period in general. I have never been so happy to just get my period and get it over with. Immediately I dropped 1.5 lbs. My mood, my endurance...the way I felt on my run. Like night and day. What a huge trigger PMS and my period are for me. I'm going to have to figure out a way to fight that battle the next time around. I guess I always knew it was a time when I wanted to eat as if I were storing it away for winter!! But man...I didn't realize the mental torture my mind was giving me during that time. I've always just went with it. Potato chips, ice cream...whatever my mind was telling me I needed to get through my period.
So...that was as learning experience. I'm glad to be past it and feeling like a million bucks. Life is about the sweet and the sour. I know I've talked about that before. We are always fighting to have just the sweet. Only the sweet all the time. We want to be like the people we perceive that only get the sweet. We imagine their life perfect..loads of sweetness all the time. There is no such thing. Nor would I want that. How can you appreciate the sweet without the sour? You must must must have sour in order to appreciate the sweet. Haven't you ever thought, "Geez, look at how he/she is acting. I would kill to be able to have the things they have." The person you are looking at obviously needs to have a little more sour so that they can appreciate the sweet.
Struggling to lose weight is enjoying the sweet. I've been rock bottom. I've been severly over weight...lacking motivation, energy, will power. That was sour. I appreciate what I'm going through now..watching the pounds drop off..feeling in control. I'm experiencing the sweet. So many people out there want what is happening to me right now. So many people out there will try to sabatoge it for me. "She is not losing the right way. Her knees are going to bother her for the rest of her life because of that running." They are trying to take away my sweet so that I can go back to the sour with them. Its hard for others to see you enjoying when they are so miserable. It is much easier for them if you are sour as well. It is hard for me to close the door on those sour people. But, I can't let them into my world right now. I cannot let them try to sabatoge me. I will not let them drag me down.
Just remember life is about the sweet and the sour. Finding that balance...ying and yang. If you are going to have the sweet things in life you must must must have sour. And that is ok.
But let me tell you...this past week has been tough. I will point the finger at PMS and my period in general. I have never been so happy to just get my period and get it over with. Immediately I dropped 1.5 lbs. My mood, my endurance...the way I felt on my run. Like night and day. What a huge trigger PMS and my period are for me. I'm going to have to figure out a way to fight that battle the next time around. I guess I always knew it was a time when I wanted to eat as if I were storing it away for winter!! But man...I didn't realize the mental torture my mind was giving me during that time. I've always just went with it. Potato chips, ice cream...whatever my mind was telling me I needed to get through my period.
So...that was as learning experience. I'm glad to be past it and feeling like a million bucks. Life is about the sweet and the sour. I know I've talked about that before. We are always fighting to have just the sweet. Only the sweet all the time. We want to be like the people we perceive that only get the sweet. We imagine their life perfect..loads of sweetness all the time. There is no such thing. Nor would I want that. How can you appreciate the sweet without the sour? You must must must have sour in order to appreciate the sweet. Haven't you ever thought, "Geez, look at how he/she is acting. I would kill to be able to have the things they have." The person you are looking at obviously needs to have a little more sour so that they can appreciate the sweet.
Struggling to lose weight is enjoying the sweet. I've been rock bottom. I've been severly over weight...lacking motivation, energy, will power. That was sour. I appreciate what I'm going through now..watching the pounds drop off..feeling in control. I'm experiencing the sweet. So many people out there want what is happening to me right now. So many people out there will try to sabatoge it for me. "She is not losing the right way. Her knees are going to bother her for the rest of her life because of that running." They are trying to take away my sweet so that I can go back to the sour with them. Its hard for others to see you enjoying when they are so miserable. It is much easier for them if you are sour as well. It is hard for me to close the door on those sour people. But, I can't let them into my world right now. I cannot let them try to sabatoge me. I will not let them drag me down.
Just remember life is about the sweet and the sour. Finding that balance...ying and yang. If you are going to have the sweet things in life you must must must have sour. And that is ok.
Monday, August 23, 2010
DAY 25 - PMS & Weight loss?
PMS & Weight loss is there such a thing? I have been losing pretty steadily and then all of a sudden I've hit a wall. I believe it is mother nature throwing a curve ball at me. I think at any moment I will begin my period.
This weekend was very difficult for me. I wanted to cheat so many times. This is the first time that I've really considered cheating. I've been so focused. But man! All I wanted was something that would I dunno...just something to put in my mouth! I don't know why...just because.
I should have started my period all ready. Its overdue. I'm sure it is because of all the exercise and the new diet that I have started. Its definately a huge change from what I've been doing. So....come on mother nature, lets just do this and move on!
This weekend was very difficult for me. I wanted to cheat so many times. This is the first time that I've really considered cheating. I've been so focused. But man! All I wanted was something that would I dunno...just something to put in my mouth! I don't know why...just because.
I should have started my period all ready. Its overdue. I'm sure it is because of all the exercise and the new diet that I have started. Its definately a huge change from what I've been doing. So....come on mother nature, lets just do this and move on!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Day 24 - PAIN!
One of the things they are trying to teach us in class is that we need to have "unstructured" exercise activities. So, today is my "day off" from running. I thought it would be a great idea to go kayaking! So I signed us up for a 9 mile kayak adventure. Holy CRAP I'm in so much pain. It hurts to type right now. I never would have guessed that kayaking would be so tiring! It is. Next time a 3 mile would be plenty. Oy!
Friday, August 20, 2010
Day 22 - The Role Modeling Revelation
The update is: I was 227. I'm now 210. I want to be 150. So I've lost 17lbs. I have 60 lbs to go! I had my bloodwork done and my triglicerides went from 854 to 72! My cholesterol was 240 and is now 98! No wonder I feel like a million bucks.
I did have an elevated liver panel. They think I might not be getting enough calories so I have to have an extra shake a day this week. OR they think my body is burning fat so much that my liver is being over used. Poor liver...sorry but I gotta burn this crap off. Its going to be a long journey for you, my feet, and my brain. Essential organs get with it will ya?
Over the past 3 weeks, I've watched my daughter choose water over juice or soda. I've watched her want to walk and exercise. She is choosing to do what I'm doing. When I explained to them why I wasn't going to be eating food for awhile because if I kept eating the way I was they would eventually have a very unhealthy mother. My 5 year old son and my 8 year old daughter became pantry security. In fact I came home last night to find that my husband had made a friggin' CHEESECAKE!!! It has just come out of the oven. I walked over to it and too a nice big smell. My son says, "Mom, you can't have that." Even though he is five and super cute his insistance that I couldn't have it made me want it. It triggered a voice inside my head that said "No one can tell you what you can and can't have!" The control side of me. It has never ever been motivating for someone to tell me I'm heavy or that what I'm eating is not good for me. In fact it shoves me further in the other direction. A trigger for me....and one that I have to be aware of.
Ever since my children were young I would try to teach them good eating habits. We would talk about portions. I even have portion plates so that they could learn how much of each type of food to eat! I would talk about the benefits of water and exercise. Yet, I never practiced what I preached. I would say choose a fruit and I'd eat chips. I would suggest water for them and swig down a diet coke. I have been a walking hypocrite since both of my children came into this world. I have confused them. My son, at five, doesn't seem to be effected yet. He looks and acts much like his father who will never have a weight problem. My husband is thin and always busy. He forgets to eat and prefers to eat healthy when given the choice. My son could careless about eating. He doesn't want to take the time to stop and eat. If you can get something in his mouth as he runs past you then you are ahead of the game.
My beautiful daughter. She looks like small mini me, except she is twice as tall as I was when I was that age. She loves food. If I would let her she would eat all day long. Not healthy things either. She would drink soda and eat salt n' vinegar chips dipping them into macaroni and cheese. She plots her next meals as I always have. She wants a "treat" everytime we go to a store as I have always done. She is me in every single way and in her eating habits. I have always taught her what is right and wrong to eat. It is very obvious to me that actions peak louder than words. She has been learning unhealthy habits simply by watching me. You can't tell children you have to show them. I have been letting her down. I have been leading her down the same road to the same problems that I have. It breaks my heart. I have failed her as a mother. I have been a poor role model. I do not want her to struggle with her weight as I have. It has consumed a lot of my life. It has caused me to go into hiding. To avoid people. To lose that social aspect of my life that I enjoy. It has reaked havoc on my body. It has tortured my self-esteem and confidence. I do not want that for my little girl.
I will finish this diet and I will make it a lifestyle. I pledge that to my children. I will find my triggers and find my pain. I will learn how to make better choices and lead a healthy lifestyle. Because my family deserves that from me. I deserve it for myself. I want to be plugged into life and not skirting around the frindges of the life that I deserve. I'm getting closer to the person I know I am inside. I can feel it.
I did have an elevated liver panel. They think I might not be getting enough calories so I have to have an extra shake a day this week. OR they think my body is burning fat so much that my liver is being over used. Poor liver...sorry but I gotta burn this crap off. Its going to be a long journey for you, my feet, and my brain. Essential organs get with it will ya?
Over the past 3 weeks, I've watched my daughter choose water over juice or soda. I've watched her want to walk and exercise. She is choosing to do what I'm doing. When I explained to them why I wasn't going to be eating food for awhile because if I kept eating the way I was they would eventually have a very unhealthy mother. My 5 year old son and my 8 year old daughter became pantry security. In fact I came home last night to find that my husband had made a friggin' CHEESECAKE!!! It has just come out of the oven. I walked over to it and too a nice big smell. My son says, "Mom, you can't have that." Even though he is five and super cute his insistance that I couldn't have it made me want it. It triggered a voice inside my head that said "No one can tell you what you can and can't have!" The control side of me. It has never ever been motivating for someone to tell me I'm heavy or that what I'm eating is not good for me. In fact it shoves me further in the other direction. A trigger for me....and one that I have to be aware of.
Ever since my children were young I would try to teach them good eating habits. We would talk about portions. I even have portion plates so that they could learn how much of each type of food to eat! I would talk about the benefits of water and exercise. Yet, I never practiced what I preached. I would say choose a fruit and I'd eat chips. I would suggest water for them and swig down a diet coke. I have been a walking hypocrite since both of my children came into this world. I have confused them. My son, at five, doesn't seem to be effected yet. He looks and acts much like his father who will never have a weight problem. My husband is thin and always busy. He forgets to eat and prefers to eat healthy when given the choice. My son could careless about eating. He doesn't want to take the time to stop and eat. If you can get something in his mouth as he runs past you then you are ahead of the game.
My beautiful daughter. She looks like small mini me, except she is twice as tall as I was when I was that age. She loves food. If I would let her she would eat all day long. Not healthy things either. She would drink soda and eat salt n' vinegar chips dipping them into macaroni and cheese. She plots her next meals as I always have. She wants a "treat" everytime we go to a store as I have always done. She is me in every single way and in her eating habits. I have always taught her what is right and wrong to eat. It is very obvious to me that actions peak louder than words. She has been learning unhealthy habits simply by watching me. You can't tell children you have to show them. I have been letting her down. I have been leading her down the same road to the same problems that I have. It breaks my heart. I have failed her as a mother. I have been a poor role model. I do not want her to struggle with her weight as I have. It has consumed a lot of my life. It has caused me to go into hiding. To avoid people. To lose that social aspect of my life that I enjoy. It has reaked havoc on my body. It has tortured my self-esteem and confidence. I do not want that for my little girl.
I will finish this diet and I will make it a lifestyle. I pledge that to my children. I will find my triggers and find my pain. I will learn how to make better choices and lead a healthy lifestyle. Because my family deserves that from me. I deserve it for myself. I want to be plugged into life and not skirting around the frindges of the life that I deserve. I'm getting closer to the person I know I am inside. I can feel it.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Day 19 - Liquid Fast
I signed up for a 5K today! I'm hoping I will be under 200 pounds by then. I went running this morning. Oh man did it feel good this morning. When I say "run" I don't mean "RUN." You could probably walk faster than I run. I probably look like someone in slow motion. Ha!
It just feels better on my legs. I try to walk but I always end up in a run.
So I figured a little more motivation would be to sign up for a 5K. You don't have to run it..you can walk it. I completely intend to canter along and walk most of it. Its just that I actually signed up.
My scale tells me I'm down 3 more lbs from weigh in last Thursday. But you never know what the scale will say this Thursday at the Doctors! I hoping for one more pound. That would be ideal.
No one has really noticed yet. I mean 13 lbs is a lot..but when you are already heavy there isn't much of a difference. I'm thinking that next week people will notice. I don't know why its important for me to get noticed...oh that is such bullshit. Of course I do! It feels so good. It is so encouraging. It is a confirmation that I'm working hard and its working!!!!
I've had an epiphany while walking. Something having to do with my "fine wine" analogy. I'm a fine wine. I'm a fine wine.
Till next time!
It just feels better on my legs. I try to walk but I always end up in a run.
So I figured a little more motivation would be to sign up for a 5K. You don't have to run it..you can walk it. I completely intend to canter along and walk most of it. Its just that I actually signed up.
My scale tells me I'm down 3 more lbs from weigh in last Thursday. But you never know what the scale will say this Thursday at the Doctors! I hoping for one more pound. That would be ideal.
No one has really noticed yet. I mean 13 lbs is a lot..but when you are already heavy there isn't much of a difference. I'm thinking that next week people will notice. I don't know why its important for me to get noticed...oh that is such bullshit. Of course I do! It feels so good. It is so encouraging. It is a confirmation that I'm working hard and its working!!!!
I've had an epiphany while walking. Something having to do with my "fine wine" analogy. I'm a fine wine. I'm a fine wine.
Till next time!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Day 18 - Liquid Fast - WTF?????????
Ok, I'm freaking out! Freaking the *&%$ out!! I'm drinking my morning coffee. I've looked at all the typical morning sites. I'm drumming my fingers trying to figure out what else to surf to burn a little more time before I go for my walk. So, why not type in "What is the percentage of people who diet that are able to keep off the weight." Sure! Why not google that? It must return something encouraging. Right?
WRONG! Big, fat, UGLY WROOOONG! It says 95% of people regain the weight. To make matter worse I stumble across this horrific they should keep it to themselves link. healthread.net/why-dieters-regain-liebel.htm
Now what?? Gastro bypass surgery? Um..no. I can't help but ask myself "WHAT IS THE POINT?" Why am I working so friggin' hard to achieve something that I'm not going to be able to keep? Its like busting your butt to raise enough money to buy a car. You buy it and then you can't keep it. Would you bother to raise the money? If you would then I think you should just give all of your money to me. Cause I'd find something better to do with it. I mean..C'mon!
Ok...so I'm going to draw back upon something that was incredibly motivating for me as a child. I grew up in a single parent home. Well, not really I had a a step-father here or there. One of those men told me that I would amount to nothing. That because I come from a broken home and have suffered abuse from none other than he who should not be named, that my destiny was already predetermined. Statics said that I wouldn't be successful in my life. I have never been more determined to prove those statics wrong. I had dreams! I had goals! How could a number categorize me in a lump with a bunch of other people? That was always in my mind when I blazed through high school and then again through college. I graduated. I became a very young director of a non-profit organization. I accomplished what they said could not be done. So EX step-father wherever you maybe....kiss my ass. Sit in your nasty sweatpants and kiss my ass. On second thought don't come anywhere near my ass. Oh and...my sister..ya know the other one that would make nothing of herself? She has her own wildly successful wine distribution company. SUCCESS #2. You on the other hand are going through your 4th unsuccessful marriage. No matter what you said or did you didn't come even remotely close to ruining my life. I hope that bounces around in your tiny brain for years to come. You were wrong.
Ok...moving on. So, in order to become the very rare 5% we have to draw from something very personal. Something special. A gift that someone may have given you that you didn't realize was a gift at all. For me verbal abuse! Is it not enough to simply want to be in that 5%. You must have something so motivating that it motivates you through all the bullshit.
Yes, I admit its kind of twisted. But isn't the best revenge just being successful? Too many people repeat in their heads those inner recordings. Those despicable people that obviously hated themselves trying to bring us down with them. We listen to it in our heads over and over and over and again whether we realize it or not. The damage they did years ago is still doing damage now. STOP IT! FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP. Stop letting them rule your life. Stop giving them the power. THAT IS ENOUGH. Use it to drive you to your destination. Use it to push you through the hard times. Use it to make yourself better. Again like I said in my previous blog entry. You are a FINE FINE wine. Not many of get the opportunity to struggle. I said it, opportunity. There is no other way to look at it. Its ok. Love it. Learn from it. Move on. Enough is enough.
Let's not let numbers or statistics dictate our lives. For once lets be in charge of our own dam lives!! I will be in that 5%. I will get to my goal weight and I will love myself enough to stay there. I know it will not be easy. But being overweight hasn't been easy either. So I can choose. It is my choice. I will be thin and fight to stay there or I will be heavy and fight to stay alive. Yeah...I know...me too. Let's do it!
WRONG! Big, fat, UGLY WROOOONG! It says 95% of people regain the weight. To make matter worse I stumble across this horrific they should keep it to themselves link. healthread.net/why-dieters-regain-liebel.htm
Now what?? Gastro bypass surgery? Um..no. I can't help but ask myself "WHAT IS THE POINT?" Why am I working so friggin' hard to achieve something that I'm not going to be able to keep? Its like busting your butt to raise enough money to buy a car. You buy it and then you can't keep it. Would you bother to raise the money? If you would then I think you should just give all of your money to me. Cause I'd find something better to do with it. I mean..C'mon!
Ok...so I'm going to draw back upon something that was incredibly motivating for me as a child. I grew up in a single parent home. Well, not really I had a a step-father here or there. One of those men told me that I would amount to nothing. That because I come from a broken home and have suffered abuse from none other than he who should not be named, that my destiny was already predetermined. Statics said that I wouldn't be successful in my life. I have never been more determined to prove those statics wrong. I had dreams! I had goals! How could a number categorize me in a lump with a bunch of other people? That was always in my mind when I blazed through high school and then again through college. I graduated. I became a very young director of a non-profit organization. I accomplished what they said could not be done. So EX step-father wherever you maybe....kiss my ass. Sit in your nasty sweatpants and kiss my ass. On second thought don't come anywhere near my ass. Oh and...my sister..ya know the other one that would make nothing of herself? She has her own wildly successful wine distribution company. SUCCESS #2. You on the other hand are going through your 4th unsuccessful marriage. No matter what you said or did you didn't come even remotely close to ruining my life. I hope that bounces around in your tiny brain for years to come. You were wrong.
Ok...moving on. So, in order to become the very rare 5% we have to draw from something very personal. Something special. A gift that someone may have given you that you didn't realize was a gift at all. For me verbal abuse! Is it not enough to simply want to be in that 5%. You must have something so motivating that it motivates you through all the bullshit.
Yes, I admit its kind of twisted. But isn't the best revenge just being successful? Too many people repeat in their heads those inner recordings. Those despicable people that obviously hated themselves trying to bring us down with them. We listen to it in our heads over and over and over and again whether we realize it or not. The damage they did years ago is still doing damage now. STOP IT! FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP. Stop letting them rule your life. Stop giving them the power. THAT IS ENOUGH. Use it to drive you to your destination. Use it to push you through the hard times. Use it to make yourself better. Again like I said in my previous blog entry. You are a FINE FINE wine. Not many of get the opportunity to struggle. I said it, opportunity. There is no other way to look at it. Its ok. Love it. Learn from it. Move on. Enough is enough.
Let's not let numbers or statistics dictate our lives. For once lets be in charge of our own dam lives!! I will be in that 5%. I will get to my goal weight and I will love myself enough to stay there. I know it will not be easy. But being overweight hasn't been easy either. So I can choose. It is my choice. I will be thin and fight to stay there or I will be heavy and fight to stay alive. Yeah...I know...me too. Let's do it!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Day 16 - Find it, Acknowledge It, Let It Go
A very dear friend of mine lost 100 pounds doing the HealthFast program at the Concord Hospital. For those of you just tuning in the HealthFast is the HMR program. Just with a different name. She gained back all of her weight.
I have spoken to her many times about this. The commitment to do the HealthFast is almost 2 years long. She lost her weight in 10 months. Then she left the program. She didn't go through with the transition period and therefore never did the maintenance. She does admit to that being part of the problem. But she also says the program has missed a big component. The psychological aspect of overeating. Why do we do what we do? Is it because we are hungry? It is because we have pain? A void that we are trying to fill? What is it?
Having eaten nothing but shakes for 15 days now, I'm a little bit clearer on this. I believe that I know why I eat. I certainly eat when I'm hungry. I choose poorly because I wait until I'm so hungry I could gnaw off my own limbs. Sometimes I'm shaking I'm so hungry. Then I get in my car and go straight to McDonalds. Get a #3 with a diet coke and fill my stomach. Mickey D's sits in my stomach like a lead weight for awhile. I don't have to eat again. I do like the taste of the #3. I like the fries and the diet coke together. Yum. Just thinking about it make my mouth water. I feel in control. I know that my husband doesn't want me to go to McDonalds. I know he will be disgusted if he finds out. So, usually I disguise my food run as a trip to the bank to make deposits or going to the post office. Or making a delivery. (My husband and I own a printing & promotions company.) I then gorge myself and return to the office as if nothing happened. I'm almost certain that he knows what I've done anyway but doesn't say anything...most times. When he does ask, its a 50-50 chance of what I will say. I might lie to him and say I didn't go. Or, I might boldly say that I went and challenge him with how I answer him to dare say anything. I might rip his head off.
I feel in control when I eat what I want. I feel like I'm getting away with something. I feel like I'm on my own little vacation and I get to eat and do whatever I want. Sadly when I'm on these mini-vacations into self-destruction it involves finding something to eat and sitting in front of the TV. Or on our bed with the laptop on my lap, the TV on and something to eat. I feel like I deserve it. I feel like I'm supporting myself and spoiling myself. That I'm taking care of myself. When I go on a sales call or a delivery, stopping at Dunkin' Donuts or Burger King is a must. It is a treat a way to feel good about having to do it. A way to pass the time.
So, I believe I've found "it." I've found that eating a lot and poorly is a way that I show myself love. Eating what I want when no one knows is a way for me to feel in control of my life. Now the next step is to recognize that. Recognize that when I'm feeling like I need to go and stuff myself or I deserve my mini vacations its that I'm feeling out of control and unloved. No matter how much food I eat it will never make me feel in control. It will never make me feel loved. I've got address the matter directly. Why am I feeling unloved? What happened today that made me feel that way. Why am I feeling out of control.
Let it go! Its ok to feel out of control sometimes. I don't always have to be in control of everything. Eating is certainly NOT the way to gain control. It is exactly opposite. I'm out of control. I'm putting fat and calories into my blood stream. Into my precious body that deserves my love. I'm not loving myself by eating myself to death. I'm slowly killing myself. Just like a smoker puffing away on their cigarettes. Each one cutting their life shorter by minutes. Each greasy burger, piece of chocolate cake, or bag of chips that I consume it cutting my life shorter. Stacking my poor veins full of triglycerides. Causing my heart to work harder to keep the blood going to my brain to my limbs, to my vital organs. I will be a lot more in control if I eat better, choose better foods. Allow my body the water it needs, instead of the chemical infused diet cokes. I will function better. My eyesight will be better. My thinking will be clearer. I will be control. The addiction, the food will NOT be in control. It has been fooling me all along telling me that I was in control. It has been lieing to me. It is not a friend. It is an enemy. It is the type of friend that has been convincing you that skipping work to hang out is ok. Or that going out drinking every night is a right of passage. They are not friends. They are not real friends! Let them go. Let it Go!
Now, I've discovered it. I've acknowledged it. I'm letting it go. Of course I will need to practice fighting off my fake friends when I'm back to eating again. Its easy to quiet them down now...with so much eating structure. I know I will have to face them dead on..confront them...and not answer their calls. It will be a battle. No doubt. But, I know this. I have many months to prepare for this. I will not get heavy again. I'm working to hard right now. I will remember this journey always.
I also realize that my control issues and my lack of feeling loved stems from something. Some Dr. Freudian childhood issue. I have no desire to go digging into my childhood to have a "breakthrough." I cannot erase what has happened in my life. I can accept it. I can accept whatever it is. This is MY life. It is what it is. Unless someone has recently invented a time machine, or found some worm hole than there is nothing I can do to change what happened. I'm not going to sit around and cry about it or dwell on it. Talk about a waste of time. I'm going to love myself. I'm going to love the journey that has taken me to where I am. I'm going to love the blessings that I have received and not hold onto the the ones that I didn't. We are all on journeys. These are our own personal journeys. Love the journey. Love the good with the bad. The ying and the yang. Life is about balance. Its about struggle. I believe that a person is like a fine wine. The harder the vine has struggled the more complex and delicious the wine. I have struggled and I am an amazing person because of it. I know many people that have lived a "Beaver Cleaver" existence. Man, are they boring or what? They are a cheap white Zinfandel. They make look like a fine wine. We make think that is the life we wished we had or want to have. Don't be fooled people! They are a box wine that someone poured into a nice bottle. Fakes. Life is about experience. Good, bad and ugly. Balance. Ying & yang. Its ok to have struggled. Its ok to have gone through some really awful stuff. You are alive. Your heart is beating, your lungs filling with air. You are ALIVE! Your experience is yours, your journey is yours and it makes you who you are and where you will go. Celebrate! You are a fine wine.
I have spoken to her many times about this. The commitment to do the HealthFast is almost 2 years long. She lost her weight in 10 months. Then she left the program. She didn't go through with the transition period and therefore never did the maintenance. She does admit to that being part of the problem. But she also says the program has missed a big component. The psychological aspect of overeating. Why do we do what we do? Is it because we are hungry? It is because we have pain? A void that we are trying to fill? What is it?
Having eaten nothing but shakes for 15 days now, I'm a little bit clearer on this. I believe that I know why I eat. I certainly eat when I'm hungry. I choose poorly because I wait until I'm so hungry I could gnaw off my own limbs. Sometimes I'm shaking I'm so hungry. Then I get in my car and go straight to McDonalds. Get a #3 with a diet coke and fill my stomach. Mickey D's sits in my stomach like a lead weight for awhile. I don't have to eat again. I do like the taste of the #3. I like the fries and the diet coke together. Yum. Just thinking about it make my mouth water. I feel in control. I know that my husband doesn't want me to go to McDonalds. I know he will be disgusted if he finds out. So, usually I disguise my food run as a trip to the bank to make deposits or going to the post office. Or making a delivery. (My husband and I own a printing & promotions company.) I then gorge myself and return to the office as if nothing happened. I'm almost certain that he knows what I've done anyway but doesn't say anything...most times. When he does ask, its a 50-50 chance of what I will say. I might lie to him and say I didn't go. Or, I might boldly say that I went and challenge him with how I answer him to dare say anything. I might rip his head off.
I feel in control when I eat what I want. I feel like I'm getting away with something. I feel like I'm on my own little vacation and I get to eat and do whatever I want. Sadly when I'm on these mini-vacations into self-destruction it involves finding something to eat and sitting in front of the TV. Or on our bed with the laptop on my lap, the TV on and something to eat. I feel like I deserve it. I feel like I'm supporting myself and spoiling myself. That I'm taking care of myself. When I go on a sales call or a delivery, stopping at Dunkin' Donuts or Burger King is a must. It is a treat a way to feel good about having to do it. A way to pass the time.
So, I believe I've found "it." I've found that eating a lot and poorly is a way that I show myself love. Eating what I want when no one knows is a way for me to feel in control of my life. Now the next step is to recognize that. Recognize that when I'm feeling like I need to go and stuff myself or I deserve my mini vacations its that I'm feeling out of control and unloved. No matter how much food I eat it will never make me feel in control. It will never make me feel loved. I've got address the matter directly. Why am I feeling unloved? What happened today that made me feel that way. Why am I feeling out of control.
Let it go! Its ok to feel out of control sometimes. I don't always have to be in control of everything. Eating is certainly NOT the way to gain control. It is exactly opposite. I'm out of control. I'm putting fat and calories into my blood stream. Into my precious body that deserves my love. I'm not loving myself by eating myself to death. I'm slowly killing myself. Just like a smoker puffing away on their cigarettes. Each one cutting their life shorter by minutes. Each greasy burger, piece of chocolate cake, or bag of chips that I consume it cutting my life shorter. Stacking my poor veins full of triglycerides. Causing my heart to work harder to keep the blood going to my brain to my limbs, to my vital organs. I will be a lot more in control if I eat better, choose better foods. Allow my body the water it needs, instead of the chemical infused diet cokes. I will function better. My eyesight will be better. My thinking will be clearer. I will be control. The addiction, the food will NOT be in control. It has been fooling me all along telling me that I was in control. It has been lieing to me. It is not a friend. It is an enemy. It is the type of friend that has been convincing you that skipping work to hang out is ok. Or that going out drinking every night is a right of passage. They are not friends. They are not real friends! Let them go. Let it Go!
Now, I've discovered it. I've acknowledged it. I'm letting it go. Of course I will need to practice fighting off my fake friends when I'm back to eating again. Its easy to quiet them down now...with so much eating structure. I know I will have to face them dead on..confront them...and not answer their calls. It will be a battle. No doubt. But, I know this. I have many months to prepare for this. I will not get heavy again. I'm working to hard right now. I will remember this journey always.
I also realize that my control issues and my lack of feeling loved stems from something. Some Dr. Freudian childhood issue. I have no desire to go digging into my childhood to have a "breakthrough." I cannot erase what has happened in my life. I can accept it. I can accept whatever it is. This is MY life. It is what it is. Unless someone has recently invented a time machine, or found some worm hole than there is nothing I can do to change what happened. I'm not going to sit around and cry about it or dwell on it. Talk about a waste of time. I'm going to love myself. I'm going to love the journey that has taken me to where I am. I'm going to love the blessings that I have received and not hold onto the the ones that I didn't. We are all on journeys. These are our own personal journeys. Love the journey. Love the good with the bad. The ying and the yang. Life is about balance. Its about struggle. I believe that a person is like a fine wine. The harder the vine has struggled the more complex and delicious the wine. I have struggled and I am an amazing person because of it. I know many people that have lived a "Beaver Cleaver" existence. Man, are they boring or what? They are a cheap white Zinfandel. They make look like a fine wine. We make think that is the life we wished we had or want to have. Don't be fooled people! They are a box wine that someone poured into a nice bottle. Fakes. Life is about experience. Good, bad and ugly. Balance. Ying & yang. Its ok to have struggled. Its ok to have gone through some really awful stuff. You are alive. Your heart is beating, your lungs filling with air. You are ALIVE! Your experience is yours, your journey is yours and it makes you who you are and where you will go. Celebrate! You are a fine wine.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Liquid Fast - Day 14
The big weigh in tonight! So...dramatic drum roll pahhhleaase. 4 lbs. I have lost a total of 10 pounds in 2 weeks. I have to say, and many of you will probably kick me, that I thought I would lose more. I guess because I lost 6 the first week. I know! I know! The first week it always comes off quickly. Can't for once something special happen for me? Can I not have a text book weightloss? Can I not have a text book something??
Ok..I'm done being a baby. Tonight in class we did some toning with weights. I thought at first that it would be simple. Not! I was huffing and puffing along with the rest of them. I'm so out of shape! Its ridiculous.
So I was 227 I'm now 216.
Can I lose another 4 lbs next week? I've got it all mapped out in my head when I should be 160 lbs. I wish it was that predictable. I asked all the ladies in my class tonight if you could pretty much rely on losing the same amount every week. They laughed at me like I had boobs on my head. Was that really a dumb question?
Over & Out!!
Ok..I'm done being a baby. Tonight in class we did some toning with weights. I thought at first that it would be simple. Not! I was huffing and puffing along with the rest of them. I'm so out of shape! Its ridiculous.
So I was 227 I'm now 216.
Can I lose another 4 lbs next week? I've got it all mapped out in my head when I should be 160 lbs. I wish it was that predictable. I asked all the ladies in my class tonight if you could pretty much rely on losing the same amount every week. They laughed at me like I had boobs on my head. Was that really a dumb question?
Over & Out!!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Liquid Fast - Day 13
At my last weigh in I lost 6.5 lbs. Not bad for one week.
So I'm now 220.7. I go in for my second week weigh in tomorrow.
I think the biggest side effect right now is that I'm so tired at night. Around 5:30 I'm just done.
I've been walking my buns off in the morning. Walking 4 miles 5 days a week.
My thought is that I'm going to do this and get off of it as soon as I can. So LOSE LOSE LOSE!
I'll let you know my results tomorrow night!
So I'm now 220.7. I go in for my second week weigh in tomorrow.
I think the biggest side effect right now is that I'm so tired at night. Around 5:30 I'm just done.
I've been walking my buns off in the morning. Walking 4 miles 5 days a week.
My thought is that I'm going to do this and get off of it as soon as I can. So LOSE LOSE LOSE!
I'll let you know my results tomorrow night!
Friday, August 6, 2010
Liquid Fast - Day 7
Today has been the hardest hands down. My husband made this killer smelling crock pot dream come true and I cannot have it. The smell is dancing around the house like a bunch of Americans at a Hawaiin Luau. Ohh..I wish I could have it.
I've been tired, hungry and significantly more moody than normal. Is that possible?
I had the chicken soup last night. Not sure I would call it soup. Maybe more like foam. It satisfied some deep lingering desire to eat something hot. But that was about it. I'm not quitting. I'm not giving up. I've been an entire week! 23 more weeks to go damn it before I reach my goal weight!!
I did get my exercise in. 4 miles of walking. I'm trying to do that every single day.
I've been tired, hungry and significantly more moody than normal. Is that possible?
I had the chicken soup last night. Not sure I would call it soup. Maybe more like foam. It satisfied some deep lingering desire to eat something hot. But that was about it. I'm not quitting. I'm not giving up. I've been an entire week! 23 more weeks to go damn it before I reach my goal weight!!
I did get my exercise in. 4 miles of walking. I'm trying to do that every single day.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Liquid Fast - Day Five
Its getting easier! I have energy. I'm in a good mood. Feels great. Trying to fit in the exercise is the hardest part. Vitamins still make me woozy. It takes about 5 minutes for the woozyness to subside.
I know I've dropped weight. I can feel it in my clothes. Its sooo exciting!!!
I know I've dropped weight. I can feel it in my clothes. Its sooo exciting!!!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Liquid Fast - Day Five
This is the first morning that I woke up and felt good. I didn't need any sleep meds last night. I woke up and I didn't feel tired. Its been a LONG time since that has happen. Being overweight I battle fatigue on a consistant basis.
I did end up riding my bike for 1/2 hr. yesterday evening. So I did get some exercise in. Not the recommended hour I'm supposed to..but at least it was something.
I'm going up to Steele Hill tonight. I will use their equipment to get in a solid hour. Then I'll sit in the hot tub. Bliss!
So, I feel like I've dropped now. I'm not telling what my scale says. Wait till the official weigh in on Thursday evening to find out how this is working for me.
Drinking tons of water. Not going to the bathroom as much. How does that work exactly? I started drinking the water and my body was flushing it out like crazy. Now that I'm drinking even more water I seem to be keeping it in..or my body is giving it the organs I've been depriving of it for so long. Not sure...anyone out there have an ideas?
Its not as tough as you think it is to see someone else eating. If you really start to think about it then it begins to bother you. My stomach starts growling like its hungry. But if I keep my focus, try to maintain a decent conversation, or think of something else it helps. I just keep imagining the end result. I'm gonna look GOOD! I deserve it. I've been ruining myself for way to long.
If you really start to think about what you are doing to your body when you over eat it will make you sick. Putting fat into your blood stream. So much fat that it starts to clog the veins...heart disease, stroke, heart attack, diabetes. I think my body is starting to reward me with less fatigue. It feels good!
I did end up riding my bike for 1/2 hr. yesterday evening. So I did get some exercise in. Not the recommended hour I'm supposed to..but at least it was something.
I'm going up to Steele Hill tonight. I will use their equipment to get in a solid hour. Then I'll sit in the hot tub. Bliss!
So, I feel like I've dropped now. I'm not telling what my scale says. Wait till the official weigh in on Thursday evening to find out how this is working for me.
Drinking tons of water. Not going to the bathroom as much. How does that work exactly? I started drinking the water and my body was flushing it out like crazy. Now that I'm drinking even more water I seem to be keeping it in..or my body is giving it the organs I've been depriving of it for so long. Not sure...anyone out there have an ideas?
Its not as tough as you think it is to see someone else eating. If you really start to think about it then it begins to bother you. My stomach starts growling like its hungry. But if I keep my focus, try to maintain a decent conversation, or think of something else it helps. I just keep imagining the end result. I'm gonna look GOOD! I deserve it. I've been ruining myself for way to long.
If you really start to think about what you are doing to your body when you over eat it will make you sick. Putting fat into your blood stream. So much fat that it starts to clog the veins...heart disease, stroke, heart attack, diabetes. I think my body is starting to reward me with less fatigue. It feels good!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Liquid Fast - Day Three
Tired...so tired! I have done well. Haven't cheated. Haven't really wanted to cheat badly enough that it was painful. Have made some wacky combinations with the shake recipies they gave me to keep it interesting. Finding it hard to drink all the water that I'm supposed to drink.
I have a lot of fatigue today. I could just lay in bed and sleep. But with 2 kids and a husband, sleep doesn't come easily. I haven't gotten my exercise in today. I don't think I'm going to. I'm beat.
Still going to the bathroom a lot. All the water and liquid shakes!
I have a lot of fatigue today. I could just lay in bed and sleep. But with 2 kids and a husband, sleep doesn't come easily. I haven't gotten my exercise in today. I don't think I'm going to. I'm beat.
Still going to the bathroom a lot. All the water and liquid shakes!
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