A very dear friend of mine lost 100 pounds doing the HealthFast program at the Concord Hospital. For those of you just tuning in the HealthFast is the HMR program. Just with a different name. She gained back all of her weight.
I have spoken to her many times about this. The commitment to do the HealthFast is almost 2 years long. She lost her weight in 10 months. Then she left the program. She didn't go through with the transition period and therefore never did the maintenance. She does admit to that being part of the problem. But she also says the program has missed a big component. The psychological aspect of overeating. Why do we do what we do? Is it because we are hungry? It is because we have pain? A void that we are trying to fill? What is it?
Having eaten nothing but shakes for 15 days now, I'm a little bit clearer on this. I believe that I know why I eat. I certainly eat when I'm hungry. I choose poorly because I wait until I'm so hungry I could gnaw off my own limbs. Sometimes I'm shaking I'm so hungry. Then I get in my car and go straight to McDonalds. Get a #3 with a diet coke and fill my stomach. Mickey D's sits in my stomach like a lead weight for awhile. I don't have to eat again. I do like the taste of the #3. I like the fries and the diet coke together. Yum. Just thinking about it make my mouth water. I feel in control. I know that my husband doesn't want me to go to McDonalds. I know he will be disgusted if he finds out. So, usually I disguise my food run as a trip to the bank to make deposits or going to the post office. Or making a delivery. (My husband and I own a printing & promotions company.) I then gorge myself and return to the office as if nothing happened. I'm almost certain that he knows what I've done anyway but doesn't say anything...most times. When he does ask, its a 50-50 chance of what I will say. I might lie to him and say I didn't go. Or, I might boldly say that I went and challenge him with how I answer him to dare say anything. I might rip his head off.
I feel in control when I eat what I want. I feel like I'm getting away with something. I feel like I'm on my own little vacation and I get to eat and do whatever I want. Sadly when I'm on these mini-vacations into self-destruction it involves finding something to eat and sitting in front of the TV. Or on our bed with the laptop on my lap, the TV on and something to eat. I feel like I deserve it. I feel like I'm supporting myself and spoiling myself. That I'm taking care of myself. When I go on a sales call or a delivery, stopping at Dunkin' Donuts or Burger King is a must. It is a treat a way to feel good about having to do it. A way to pass the time.
So, I believe I've found "it." I've found that eating a lot and poorly is a way that I show myself love. Eating what I want when no one knows is a way for me to feel in control of my life. Now the next step is to recognize that. Recognize that when I'm feeling like I need to go and stuff myself or I deserve my mini vacations its that I'm feeling out of control and unloved. No matter how much food I eat it will never make me feel in control. It will never make me feel loved. I've got address the matter directly. Why am I feeling unloved? What happened today that made me feel that way. Why am I feeling out of control.
Let it go! Its ok to feel out of control sometimes. I don't always have to be in control of everything. Eating is certainly NOT the way to gain control. It is exactly opposite. I'm out of control. I'm putting fat and calories into my blood stream. Into my precious body that deserves my love. I'm not loving myself by eating myself to death. I'm slowly killing myself. Just like a smoker puffing away on their cigarettes. Each one cutting their life shorter by minutes. Each greasy burger, piece of chocolate cake, or bag of chips that I consume it cutting my life shorter. Stacking my poor veins full of triglycerides. Causing my heart to work harder to keep the blood going to my brain to my limbs, to my vital organs. I will be a lot more in control if I eat better, choose better foods. Allow my body the water it needs, instead of the chemical infused diet cokes. I will function better. My eyesight will be better. My thinking will be clearer. I will be control. The addiction, the food will NOT be in control. It has been fooling me all along telling me that I was in control. It has been lieing to me. It is not a friend. It is an enemy. It is the type of friend that has been convincing you that skipping work to hang out is ok. Or that going out drinking every night is a right of passage. They are not friends. They are not real friends! Let them go. Let it Go!
Now, I've discovered it. I've acknowledged it. I'm letting it go. Of course I will need to practice fighting off my fake friends when I'm back to eating again. Its easy to quiet them down now...with so much eating structure. I know I will have to face them dead on..confront them...and not answer their calls. It will be a battle. No doubt. But, I know this. I have many months to prepare for this. I will not get heavy again. I'm working to hard right now. I will remember this journey always.
I also realize that my control issues and my lack of feeling loved stems from something. Some Dr. Freudian childhood issue. I have no desire to go digging into my childhood to have a "breakthrough." I cannot erase what has happened in my life. I can accept it. I can accept whatever it is. This is MY life. It is what it is. Unless someone has recently invented a time machine, or found some worm hole than there is nothing I can do to change what happened. I'm not going to sit around and cry about it or dwell on it. Talk about a waste of time. I'm going to love myself. I'm going to love the journey that has taken me to where I am. I'm going to love the blessings that I have received and not hold onto the the ones that I didn't. We are all on journeys. These are our own personal journeys. Love the journey. Love the good with the bad. The ying and the yang. Life is about balance. Its about struggle. I believe that a person is like a fine wine. The harder the vine has struggled the more complex and delicious the wine. I have struggled and I am an amazing person because of it. I know many people that have lived a "Beaver Cleaver" existence. Man, are they boring or what? They are a cheap white Zinfandel. They make look like a fine wine. We make think that is the life we wished we had or want to have. Don't be fooled people! They are a box wine that someone poured into a nice bottle. Fakes. Life is about experience. Good, bad and ugly. Balance. Ying & yang. Its ok to have struggled. Its ok to have gone through some really awful stuff. You are alive. Your heart is beating, your lungs filling with air. You are ALIVE! Your experience is yours, your journey is yours and it makes you who you are and where you will go. Celebrate! You are a fine wine.
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