Day 63 - Exhausted!

My husband and I moved our business and our home over the weekend. It has derailed me. I have NOT eaten any food. I just haven't run since I ran the 5K on Saturday. I haven't been to Zumba or Yoga. To top it all off I have this abnoxious head cold. Oh man, its a doozy.

I have noticed that I hang up the things I enjoy in times of stress. I'm stressed. I'm not sure I have mentioned this before, but I don't stress easy. I'm not a "stress eater." I'm a bored eater. I'm a reward eater. During this stressful time I've found it more difficult then ever to remind myself to get all of my calories in. I really feel like I can't let myself enjoy the things I was doing until I'm over these hurdles. I'm going to call it being really focused. Just like when I'm in the zone dieting...focused. I need to figure out how to find balance. I know that when I'm out running I have really clear thoughts. It is helpful to run when there is a problem. Your mind goes to a different place. I'm going to really try to get to yoga tonight for myself. Leave all of my issues, stress, and problems at the door.....

Day 57 - Out of the 190's

I've hit 188. A total of 40 pounds! I still expect to wake up and have the entire weight loss a dream. I lost 4.7 pounds this week. I've officially moved out of the obese category into the overweight category. I have never been so happy to be overweight in my life. I will never be obese again.

I'm afraid. The amigos say I should start transitioning to food when I hit the 170's. That would be a couple of weeks. I'm not ready!!! I can imagine what you are thinking. I haven't had food in 57 days and you would think I would want to eat. Food is my drug of choice. Imagine giving an alcoholic a beer and telling him that one is enough. I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop. I'm afraid I'm not mentally ready yet. It has only been since August that I've been losing. I'm so scared to fail. I'm afraid to be in that 95%.

Day 54 - Happy Birthday to Me!

Happy Birthday to me! 34 years old today. The best gift I have given myself is to lose 38 pounds so far. Today I hit the 190 mark. I officially have 40 pounds left to lose. I'm over the 1/2 way hurdle. I've asked that my family not have any sort of party for me. No cake, no icecream, no food in my face that I cannot eat. Its ok! Honest.

On Sunday I ran in my first 10k race. 6.2 miles! I ran it in 1 hour and 8 minutes. Beating 211 other people. I absolutely LOVE saying that as it sounds really really impressive. There were over 1400 people in the race. So, I'm not the fastest runner...not by a long stretch. But I ran the whole damn thing and I didn't come in last. You have to have goals! Maybe next year I will run proudly next to my sister who ran the thing brilliantly. I was very happy to see my Dad and his girlfriend show up to cheer us on along the trail and at the end. It meant more to me than I can put words too.

Did yoga last night. It slapped me in the ass and then handed it to me on a silver plate. Ouch...it was brutal! I just keep thinking if I an stengthen up my abs all the rest will fall into place. You know the ol' "core" song and dance. I think maybe there is something to that. I will find out.

I'm ready to head out the door for a quick 3.1 mile run. Nice and easy. For the first time I'm mourning the loss of my warm summer runs...I have long pants and a long shirt on. All black too I think...although it is still dark out and I can't really see what I'm wearing! Oh well...

Day 50 - A slow down.

This week at weigh in I only dropped 3.7 pounds. I know, I know it is still good yaddy yada. I heard it from the 3 amigos too. But it is the least I've lost in the past 7 weeks of butt busting. I burned 3600 calories this week. More than last week. My theory...as I always have a theory...is that this is the first week up here in New Hampshire that we have had some really cool weather. It was 41 degrees yesterday when I went for my run. Brrr!! I think my body is saying,"Winter...need to keep the fat!" I suggested my theory to the nutritionist and she agreed with me. That it was a rough week for everyone in my class. So it goes.

I've been thinking a little bit more about "The Voice." I did have, a few posts back, a fight with the voice over wether or not to live up to a deal I had made with myself. Is this an eternal hiccup that I will forever deal with? A recording that continously plays again and again that I'm not deserving of a reward? Um....no. I'm simply a very sensible person. I'm not a big splurger. When I told myself that it was $300 I could use elsewhere, I could. I have to learn that making a deal with myself is just as important as making a deal with someone else. I cannot let myself out of it. I do not believe that some internal hijacking mischeif maker is waiting to pounce on every positive thought and squash it like a bug. I just don't. I will not divide myself up into pieces or people or old thoughts.

I read about people fighting with themselves or "inner voices" in the weight loss forums. I listended to it in class last night. I just want to scream! Its just another way of pointing the finger at someone other than yourself. Of not taking responsibility for these thoughts! Oh sure, its someone elses fault we think this way. Its "the voice." (Key dramatic music.) I am done with the voice. I ran without my Ipod the other day to try and discover what "the voice" was saying to me. It kept telling me that I definately needed to keep losing weight as I could feel my rearend bouncing dutifully behind me as I jogged up the path. It told me that I needed to remember to chew gum because I could smell my own coffee breath as I was gasping for air on the way back down the trail. It told me to get new shoes because my toes are starting to stick out of the tops of my favorite sneakers. Oh good grief. I mean honestly! Enough already.

A Quick Note....

Thank you to my very first follower. All of these days of blogging and I've wondered, "Is anyone even paying attention?" Now I have an answer. Even if its just me and you throughout this journey...it is worth it. Cause you are listening. Thank you!

Day 48 - Split Personality

I'm reading Geneen Ross "Women, Food and God." I have to tell you it has been hard for me to get through. A lot of my friends have LOVED It and gone crazy over it. I'm not sure she is describing me in this book.

Right now I'm reading about "The Voice." This awful demeaning voice in your head that tries to sabotage anything great. I'm not sure about this voice phenomenon. I do talk to myself. I have an inner dialogue all the time. I just did for a second when I lifted up my coffee cup and started to put it down and my voice said, "No, just one more sip." So I drank another sip. Not sure I really believe that it is some sort of bad guy living in my brain or a bunch of mean relatives and horrible people that I have encountered throughout my life who put me down. I'm not sure anyone who was mean to me was that important that I carry their messages around with me forever. I'm having a hard time buying it. I do not think I have a multiple personality. Good cop bad cop living in my head. I think I fight off my inner self wanting to be lazy and just sit around doing nothing...but I cannot imagine a "voice" that is a manifestation of all things bad from my past ruling my life. Sorry.....not a split personality. I'm not looking to blame my issues on some inner voice. It is me folks! When my legs where fat they were fat. My "voice" was not wrong. When I was being lazy I was being lazy. My voice was not wrong! Just me seeing the truth and trying to get me motivated to do something about it. Why do all of these self-help books have to try and dig out these weird idiosyncrasies? Why does it have to be some big psychological struggle? Some excavation of the past? Who can I point the finger at now? Which one of my family members did me wrong? So wrong that you continue to hang out in my brain and wreak havoc on my daily activities? Good grief. I have a little bit more control over myself than that. I'm in control, not the ghosts of Christmas past. Oy!

Day 45 - The Start of Something Special.

I've been focusing hard on what I'm going to do when I am no longer "dieting." I've heard a lot of people say that they do not focus on the end they are focused on the losing part of it and will worry about the maintenance when the time comes. I cannot tell you how wrong I think that is.

I'm making a plan. 95% of people who lose weight will gain it back. I fully intend on being one of the 5%. I'm going to start a very exclusive club for those of us in maintenance. It will be called, "The Fine Wine -5% club." Not having anything to do with alcohol. It has to do with the vines that the grapes grow on. I've blogged about this before. That the best wines come from vines that have struggled. Those vines literally struggle for survival. The fight for sun, for food, for water. Because of their struggle the grapes are more complex, sweeter, and make better wine.

I think that a lot of us spend so much time digging through our pasts...constantly bringing it back up all the time. Pusing it away by eating it! I think it is time for us to STOP! To embrace our pasts...our struggles. It is those struggles that have made us A FINE WINE. It is going to be part of my maintenance plan to love who I am. Love what I've been through so that it doesn't continue to surface and cause me stress and anxiety. Its all ok! I love who I am. I'm a FINE WINE.

I have 45 pounds to go until I launch the start of this club. We are going to do some really amazing things! More to come!

Day 42 - Huge Milestone!

I am officially under 200 pounds!!! 197 to be exact. 31 pounds down....
I needed to hit this milestone. I've been dragging lately. After my weekend of full on family assault I've been fighting off my food demons. All of my family got together for Labor Day weekend. One of my triggers is carrying other peoples burdens. After listening to problem after problem, I felt heavy. I wanted to eat badly. I watched them all move from one meal to the next. If it wasn't food it was alcohol. Everyone putting things in their mouth. Moving from one location to the next to sit and snack, drink, and go on and on about problems problems and more problems. No one really did anything else. Sure there were a few rides up and down on the camp road on the four-wheeler. My sister and I went for a 4 mile walk which was the highlight of my 2 days. I love my family. I love my family very very much. It was just very difficult to face my triggers and battle against them.

Today after seeing the scale and going for a nice long run I feel back in the groove. After 3 days of decompressing from the family affair, I'm finally feeling better again.

I've also been trying new types of exercise. Last night I did Yoga! I never thought I would like it. I thought it would be breathing and stretching. It was so much more than that. I was sweating bullets. My muscles were so worked. It was great strength training without having to life weights and also a great great stretching and breathing class. I needed it. It felt great.

I have to tell you that on several occasions I almost left the gym last night. I'm not a very social person. I'm uncomfortable meeting new people. Often I'm written off as a snob. I'm not a snob, just really shy. I don't like trying new things. It is very hard for me. I had to force myself to stay and try out this class. I'm glad that I did. I'm going to go twice a week! It was that incredible.

I still have not eaten food. I have no desire to do so. There is not a food out there that would taste as good as I feel right now losing weight. Which also scares me. What happens when I stop losing? I have to change up my mind..the real game is going to begin when I stop losing. The game of keep away. Keep off the weight. That will be the biggest challenge.

All of my clothes are starting to get really baggy! I FRIGGIN' LOVE IT! It has all happened so fast that I still expect to wake up and find myself back at 228 pounds. I don't know how many dreams I've had that I actually lose the weight. But, I never have. It is all very dream like. I completely encourage anyone to try it! 42 days = 31 pounds. Not as hard as you think and there is nothing like starting to look pretty in the mirror again.

Day 39 - On the cusp

I'm 200 pounds! I told myself, "Self, when you get to the 200 pound mark you can buy $300 worth of items that you have always wanted." So, I went to one of the websites that I've always surfed through and put everything I've ever wanted into my cart. When it came time to check out I found myself saying, "What are you doing? You don't really need this stuff. You can live without out it. This is $300! You don't really need to buy yourself anything until you are at goal weight. Just close this out and go clean upstairs."

So, I almost listened to myself. I almost closed out of the website and went upstairs to clean. I almost let myself talk myself out of something that I DESERVED! A deal that I had made with myself. A reward I had given myself for achieving a goal. I acheived the mother @#$%* goal! I now have to live up the deal that I made with myself. If someone else had shoke my hand and told me that they would do this for me when I hit my goal then I would expect them to live up to it. Why is it that I can talk myself out a deal that I made with myself? Why am I convincing myself that I don't need it..that I haven't really accomplished anything until I've hit my goal weight.

I'm mad at myself for trying to do that to myself. That is negative! It is how I have personally sabatoged anything good for myself over the past 33 years. I have talked myself out of taking care of myself. Of spoiling myself. Of nurturing myself. Of letting myself live up to the bargains that I have made with myself. I do deserve it. I have worked hard to get here. Acknowledging that is ok. Rewarding myself is ok...and rewarding myself with something other than food! Bravo Miss thang! You did it! If my friend called me up and said she had hit her goal I would be celebrating with her. I would be so proud of her. So why is it so hard to celebrate with myself and be proud of myself?

I mean its not like I'm treating myself every pound I lose...or even every 10. I had told myself I would get some new makeup when I hit 210 pounds. Did I...NO. I told myself when I got to 180 pounds I would get myself a new pair of sneakers. A new friggin' pair of sneakers after losing 58 lbs. C'mon!!!!

So, did I do it? Did I checkout with my $300 worth of items that I have always wanted? You better friggin' believe I did. I checked out and hit the button like 50 times screaming "Bring that shit to me!!" I hope they dont' charge me 50 times and send me 50 of those items. But man oh man did it feel good.

Day 36 -Easy?

I go onto the www.3fatchicks.com website all the time. One of the posts this morning was talking about whether or not weightloss is easy. For me its been very easy. Sure I've had some revelation and some things to comtemplate about myself, but for the most part is has been easy. It hasn't always been easy. I've done atkins a dozen times, South Beach, cabbage soup, the GI diet, Transitions, Weight Watchers, weightloss pills...I've tried them all. Those were not easy. Too many options. Too many decisions. It was a lot harder for me. I'd call it mental mindgames all day long. I don't have any mental mindgames with the shake fast. There aren't any choices. There isin't any plotting or scheming to figure out what I'm going to have next. I know! So it frees up my mind to think about other things. To really zero in on my triggers. If I find myself feeling like I have to have food and I'm not physically hungry I have to stop and find out why.

You would think 800 calories a day would be difficult to maintain. It is not. It is actually hard to make sure you get them all in.

I had weigh in last night. I was very suprised to see that I lost 6 lbs this week. What did I do differently than the other weeks? Well, I think just getting over my period was helpful. I changed up the exercise routine this week. I did my long run on Sunday, Zumba on Monday, Run on Tuesday, exercise at the gym on Wednesday, I ran yesterday and I haven't decided what I'm going to do today. So I didn't burn as many calories as I typically do. But maybe my body thanked me for the balance? Damn Ying and Yang....

Another weekend away this weekend. I will be around my Nanny and all of my family at our camp in Maine. I won't cheat! I have no doubt of that. I wonder if any triggers will bubble up. Nanny's turkey dinner and spagetti pie. Ooohh la la. But ya know what...even that is not enough to make me want to cheat. My mind is set. I will have that again, just not right now. I can handle that. I have 2 solid months left of the fast. This IS easy.