Day 39 - On the cusp

I'm 200 pounds! I told myself, "Self, when you get to the 200 pound mark you can buy $300 worth of items that you have always wanted." So, I went to one of the websites that I've always surfed through and put everything I've ever wanted into my cart. When it came time to check out I found myself saying, "What are you doing? You don't really need this stuff. You can live without out it. This is $300! You don't really need to buy yourself anything until you are at goal weight. Just close this out and go clean upstairs."

So, I almost listened to myself. I almost closed out of the website and went upstairs to clean. I almost let myself talk myself out of something that I DESERVED! A deal that I had made with myself. A reward I had given myself for achieving a goal. I acheived the mother @#$%* goal! I now have to live up the deal that I made with myself. If someone else had shoke my hand and told me that they would do this for me when I hit my goal then I would expect them to live up to it. Why is it that I can talk myself out a deal that I made with myself? Why am I convincing myself that I don't need it..that I haven't really accomplished anything until I've hit my goal weight.

I'm mad at myself for trying to do that to myself. That is negative! It is how I have personally sabatoged anything good for myself over the past 33 years. I have talked myself out of taking care of myself. Of spoiling myself. Of nurturing myself. Of letting myself live up to the bargains that I have made with myself. I do deserve it. I have worked hard to get here. Acknowledging that is ok. Rewarding myself is ok...and rewarding myself with something other than food! Bravo Miss thang! You did it! If my friend called me up and said she had hit her goal I would be celebrating with her. I would be so proud of her. So why is it so hard to celebrate with myself and be proud of myself?

I mean its not like I'm treating myself every pound I lose...or even every 10. I had told myself I would get some new makeup when I hit 210 pounds. Did I...NO. I told myself when I got to 180 pounds I would get myself a new pair of sneakers. A new friggin' pair of sneakers after losing 58 lbs. C'mon!!!!

So, did I do it? Did I checkout with my $300 worth of items that I have always wanted? You better friggin' believe I did. I checked out and hit the button like 50 times screaming "Bring that shit to me!!" I hope they dont' charge me 50 times and send me 50 of those items. But man oh man did it feel good.